Are you ready to do this again? I swear these just get weirder and weirder. I’m not even including all the things people want Paula Deen to lick. See how good I am to you people?
“i’m going to kill you in the face” I had an incredibly rough morning where a man I’d never previously met accused me of being manipulative and a liar. I wish I’d had this line then. Because “no really, make yourself at home…in the face” just doesn’t have the same sort of authority.
“bitches in hoboken” Is there like a calendar now? Can I be Miss October? Do I have to wear animal print? And do I have to grow out my nails? That could be a problem. Have you ever tried to uke with long nails? Do I get to randomly add holidays to my month? If so, I decree October 14th as “Lick a Platypus In The Face Day.” I’m so excited. I’m going platypus shopping as soon as I finish this post.
“brave snailsex.com” Because lord knows no one would want to watch cowardly snail sex. Ahem.
“funny vagina with googly eyes” Is anybody else picturing Groucho Marx right now? I so wish I hadn’t lost my entire morning to having my character assassinated. Otherwise I would have photoshop-ed my vision for you all. So really, that probably worked out better for you, Interwebz. I’ll get you an address so you can send the prick a thank you note. Which will probably not be my current home address. Because…. You know what? Another post, another day. *grumble*
“his and her butt plug wedding cake toppers” A friend of mine’s mother is getting married in June. The mother is a born again Christian. You see where I’m going with this, right? How hard can it be to crash a wedding and switch out the cake toppers while no one is looking? Also? Why didn’t y’all tell me about such things when Gwatt got married. I’m giving these to everyone who gets married from here on out. Send me invitations, STAT.
“hydrochloric acid for hpv warts” Worst. Idea. Ever. Want a little friendly advice from me to you? Never smear anything that smokes on contact with human skin ANYWHERE near your bits. Unless you’re going to video tape it. Because obviously.
“what happened to emilio estevez’s face” Exactly how cool and composed would your face be if your sibling started sucking the hemoglobin out of jungle cats and dressing like a pupil at Hogwarts Academy? Actually, I don’t even understand this question. DID something happen to Emilio Estevez’s face? *opens new window* Google says no. *scrutinizes pictures* You know that Breakfast Club was filmed nearly thirty years ago, right? It’s called getting old. And/or having sex with Paula Abdul.
“minty fresh drag queen” I prefer my drag queens to be vanilla scented. Unless it’s around the holidays. Then I like my drag queens with a hint of knotty pine.
“hand painted baby” Look, I’m glad y’all liked the ukulele and all, but no matter how orange the fuck trophy is when it bursts forth from my vagina like a homicidal, spike-covered cannon ball, I’m not going to paint some polka dots on it and FedEx it off to one lucky winner. Probably. Unless it cries a lot. Or smells funny. You’re right, let’s not rush to judgment on this one.
So yet again you can sleep soundly knowing that no matter how fucked in the head you might be, at least you aren’t the person trolling the web for “brave snailsex.com.” Pat yourself on the back, Interwebz.
Last but not least, if you need more…what the hell do you come here for, anyway? Regardless, there’s more of it over at Sprocket Ink today. I’ve decided Snooki is actually Yoda.