Yes. We’re doing this again. Because frankly I really need to share these crazy search terms with you people so they don’t stay trapped inside my brain slowly gnawing their way through my sludgy brain matter and out my thick skull.
“inhale ranch” Oh honey, I love ranch as much as the next girl. Fuck that. I love ranch WAY more than the next girl. But trust me, inhalation is not the best way to consume ranch. May I suggest you try it on a cucumber, a carrot, or any type of fried food. Not all white things should enter your system via a straw in your nose. (Cue the “The More You Know!” graphic and soundbite.)
“funny songs using the word lederhosen” Oh dear searcher, that’s easy! The true challenge is in finding a song with the word lederhosen that is NOT funny. “Mein lederhosen has a first name…” Let’s try that again. “When you get lost between the lederhosen and New York City…” See? Lederhosen = Funny. The end.
“how to…” I have a whole “how to” section this month! It seems December is the month people like to tackle new projects. Here’s my top three:
- “how to stop drinking mouthwash” Don’t start. You’re welcome.
- “how to wear plastic cod pieces” Sparingly. And with leg warmers.
- “how to snails get out of my pussy” *forehead crashes into desk*
“jesus bedazzler” You know I had to google this myself, right? I mean, what if such a thing really existed, right? Well it doesn’t. I can’t find any record of a bedazzler designed specifically to work on religious figures. Unless you count this crystal Jesus. Which is WAY more tasteful than a bedazzled Jesus, am I right? *scans sky for dark storm clouds and random bolts of lightening*
“her cone is red” *whispers* The cow barks at midnight. Deliver the package. Coo coo ka choo.
“are you a pony? I want a pony freakazoid” I um…well you might be in right place. I’m definitely not a pony. Ok I’m probably not a pony. But more importantly, what are you hoping to do to this pony once you find it? And is it a miniature pony? Does it have tiny pony sneakers or are you going to try and put weird GaGa meat shoes on that poor pony? On second thought, I think you’re looking for this guy. (Do I need to warn you that you maybe shouldn’t click on that link at work?)
“puke sneeze travel” So you want to start your own travel agency? Well rest assured, my little entrepreneur! No one has registered Puke Sneeze Travel as an LLC yet! You get on out there and register pukesneezetravel.com just as fast as you can!
“flavor flav wine” Oh holy mother of Massengill, your favorite member of of Public Enemy is honestly about to release his own champagne – Chateaux Le Flav. This is all too much to process. I need to lie down.
You know what’ll make us all feel better? My new favorite video of all time! Enjoy and try and wipe all these visions of Flavor Flav riding mini ponies while wearing a bedazzled Jesus clock and swigging mouthwash on his way to board a plane.