Yup. It’s your favorite time of the month, Interwebz. Yet again, I’m going to prove that my readers are even more whacked in the cabeza than I am by sharing the frightening searches that bring new viewers here to my vagina-infused world. Sickos.
“putting out fire with vaseline” – I just lost five minutes of my life learning how to make a fire starter out of a vaseline soaked cotton ball. Based on my wealth of recently acquire vaseline knowledge, I’m going to out on a limb here and say that you can’t put out a fire with vaseline. You should probably pour a bottle of vodka on there instead.
“teeth vajazzling” – My head hurts already. I really need you searchers to be more specific. Is this about applying crystals to your teeth in an attempt to achieve a more feminine grill? Or is this another freakish fetish thing about applying the vajazzling jewels to the normal vajazzle area, but instead of using your fingers in the application process, you use your teeth? Either way, I’m having trouble finding the appeal.
“coughing dislodge IUD” – CAN THAT HAPPEN?! Like IUD’s don’t already terrify me? I need to hear about more freakish accidents involving those things? Yet another reason for me to avoid throwing a rusty paper clip up through the kayak and into my climate controlled storage unit of a uterus. THIS IS THE STUFF HORROR MOVIES ARE MADE OF, people. Stop it. You are freaking me out.
“maryland flying vaginas motorcycle” – I met a whole mess of rowdy Maryland bloggers at that conference last month, but I never would have guessed they ran in a motorcycle gang. I’m betting Mary Mac is the ringleader. I can picture her and Amy rolling down the Ocean City Boardwalk with their handlebar streamers waving in the salty breeze. Unless…well…I suppose I could have misread that. Maybe it’s just a single motorcycle covered in flying vaginas. In that case, I’m betting it belongs to Sarah P. If I’m right, you need to send me a picture of you standing in front of the Bearded Clam Bar with your vagina encrusted motorcycle, STAT. Get on that. (That’s what she said.)
“biggest shuttlecock” – I believe this is currently the world’s biggest shuttlecock. Though I’m thinking we should make shuttlecock an insult. I’m tired of calling people ass hats and twat waffles. I need a little variety in life. Henceforth, this is the world’s biggest shuttlecock. (That, or the the person who searched for “coughing dislodge IUD” and single-handedly ruined my chances of sleeping for the next thirty-odd years.) Now try using it in a sentence at least three times today so it can become a regular part of your vocabulary.
“what is a cute word that ends with ‘elly’” – Um. Try “Elly.” It’s cute and perfect and doesn’t need to be weighed down with any of your “other” letters. Oppressor.
“white stuff looks like parmesan cheese in between my vagina lips” – Well it turns out I DO have a line, folks. And this little doozie is well past the aforementioned line. Now who’s ready for lunch?
“I love my pearl necklace, scene 1” – FADE IN: Exterior of Elly’s childhood home. Move through foyer, down hallway, and into parent’s bedroom. Peggy is wearing a latex french maid’s ensemble while Bob wears his green lederhosen from 1968. Narrator suddenly realizes this is just too fucking weird. FADE TO BLACK.
Because I love you so very much, I’ve yet again shielded you from the more disturbing searches. Suffice it to say there is a surprisingly high number of people out there that want to see Sarah Palin perform some physically challenging acts with tiny horses while suspended in midair. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to spend the rest of the day washing my eyes out with steel wool and bleach.