Admit it. You love it when I do these things, if only for the sense of superiority you enjoy when you see the level of fucked the rest of the internet has achieved. I know you’re into that kind of thing. That’s why I intentionally make all these grammatical and spelling errors. I do it for you, Interwebz. Your (see what I do for you?) welcome.
So without further ado, here’s a list of the search queries that lead people to my little BugginWorld for the month of July.
“turkey baster and drinking” – Dear Searcher, I want to be your new best friend – especially if you’re Neil Patrick Harris. And that’s not just because I desperately want to be besties with NPH. It’s because turkey basters are always funny. Always. And I have, on multiple occasions, used turkey basters as a means to distribute wine. I’ll tell you all about it when you invite me for a taping of How I Met Your Mother. Until then, big squishy non-sexual cuddles. Love, e.
“trendy cheese ball recipe” – What makes a cheese ball trendy? Does it wear skinny jeans, RayBans, and gladiator sandals? Is it pale and sparkly? Does it carry an iPad? You want one from Brooklyn, don’t you? Well here’s the thing. It’s a wad of cheese, formed into a ball, then rolled in nuts. That ain’t trendy. That’s heaven. And an awesome excuse to say, “Wait till you taste my balls!”
“mildred the midget porn” – First? Mildred isn’t a midget. She is smaller than most of her siblings, but that doesn’t make her a midget. She’s very sensitive about her height so stop being mean. Second – while she spends a lot of time spread-eagled and licking her lady bits, that does not a porno make. Also, how about respecting her privacy? How would you feel if I snuck into your house and filmed YOU spread-eagled and licking your bits? You know, based on the search terms I just scrolled through, I’m pretty sure I don’t want to you answer that question. Or send me samples of such videos. Or send me anything, really. Except maybe your name and address so I can fill out this restraining order properly.
“‘there’s no wine here’ movie” – That flick is obviously a tragedy starring Ralph Fiennes and Kate Winslet. On second thought, it’s a horror flick. Definitely a horror flick – I only just now realized that blood curdling scream pounding inside my head was actually out loud. Pardon me while I pause to make sure I have at least four unopened bottles in the house. Never mind, I can see a case from here. Phew.
“super tight latex sweatpants” – The hell! No one is supposed to know about my secret sexy outfit I’m debuting at BlogHer this weekend! For the record, I suspect all latex pants essentially become sweatpants. I mean, that’s not exactly a fabric that breathes. At least that’s always Mom’s biggest complaint when she’s wearing her purple pair.
“never shout never with a headband” – The musical sequel to Olivia Neuter John’s “Let’s Get Physical.” It will no doubt be choreographed by Mia Michaels.
“slapping baboon butts” – Ew. Those are some capital G Gnarly booties. There better be gloves involved. And Purell. I can only assume that this is the result of my constantly saying “ass slaps and David Lee Roth kicks.” I’ve confused you and I’m sorry. Let me see if I can clarify. “Ass slaps” are one form of celebration and “David Lee Roth kicks” are another. They can be performed separately or in tandem. Technically, you don’t need Mr. Roth present for either action. While I concede that Mr. Roth is a tool ( and therefore not invited to my non-sexual slumber party and tickle fight with NPH), I never expressly called him a baboon. Nor did I suggest you slap his ass, for that is also a capital G Gnarly booty. Now go home, think about what you’ve done, and for the love of all that is holy, leave those poor baboons alone.
“can you put a pearl necklace in your vagina?” – When you say “you” do you specifically mean me as in Elly, or do you mean you as in impersonal everyone sense? Please say the latter, because then the answer is “probably yes.” Now, I’m going to ignore the possibility that this is actually a dare and take a moment of gratitude to celebrate the fact I don’t own a pearl necklace. Because it wouldn’t take too many bottles of wine before I would genuinely want to know the answer to that question, myself. Enquiring minds…
“penis of my own” – Congratulations! You finally got one of your very own? That is stupendous! Boy do I know just how annoying it can be to rely on other people’s penises. It’s the worst. I’m so happy for you. Now you can stop riding your loud ass Harley down my block all hours of the night and rattling my windows.
“illegal cadaver uses” – Why doesn’t anyone ask about the legal uses for cadavers, eh? I bet you think the glass is half empty, don’t you? Stay positive and focus on all the fun, legal things you can do with your fancy new cadaver. HOLD THE PHONE – is this related in any way to the previous search term? Because I’m pah-retty sure that’s not legal. The end.
…and now I have a headache, people. This is pretty much how I expect to feel for the next three morning running due to BlogHer hangovers. Where’d I pack that milk thistle?