So it turns out yesterday was SantaCon. It seems that Rocco and I were the only two people on earth (or at least the tri-state area) unawares of that fact. Just in case there are a few of you who also live under rocks, I’ll break it down for you.
SantaCon is a not-for-profit that collects non-perishable food items for the NYC Food Bank. Every year a whole mess o’ drunks (my people!) assemble at various meeting points (with cans o’ food) while all decked out in their holiday finest, then traipse all over the city. These people take their “bringing of Christmas cheer” very seriously:
Santa looks like Santa. HOLIDAY APPAREL IS MANDATORY. A Santa hat is not enough. Get a Santa suit. Buy a Santa suit. Make a Santa suit. Steal a Santa suit. Get creative: be a Secret Santa, a Santasaurus, Candy-cane, a Reindeer, a Chanukah Chicken, a goddamn latke, Stewardess Santa, Knight Rider Santa, Crusty Peace Punk Santa, the occasional Legless Reindeer, Chanukah Squirrel, Emo-Elf, or the Santichrist.
Just don’t wear your fucking jeans.
One of the meeting places was Pier A in Hoboken. So while he thought it was just any other day at the salt mines, Rocco quickly figured out strange things were afoot when his train car suddenly filled with fifty odd Santa inspired costumes. I got the details when he called from Manhattan. To get you in the holiday mood, here’s a few of the highlights he shared with me:
- Once the doors slid closed, one of the Santas shouted, “Are there any kids on here?” After he was answered with a chorus of nos, he whipped open his book bag and started handing out Bud Light.
- Beer Santa offered his stocking stuffers to a couple of girls. After they declined, Rocco heard one girl’s whispered confession to the other girl. “I don’t think I want beer. It just seems awfully early to start mixing and I’ve already had A LOT of Bailey’s.”
- A female elf said to a male Secret Service Elf, “There is absolutely no reason to offer blow jobs to strangers on the PATH train.”
- Rocco was sitting next to a huge guy wearing a Yankees jacket. Other Drunk Santa poked the guy and said, “Santa’s a Phillie’s fan.” Down the car Mrs. Other Drunk Santa screamed, “But his wife loves the Yankees.”
I think I’m going to get started on next year’s costume NOW!