Reconnaissance Mission

Doctor:  So your baby is in the 90th percentile.

Me:  Fuck.

Doctor:  There are certain risks for a vaginal birth with a baby of this size.

Me:  *deep breath*

Doctor:  Even if you can pass the head, you’ve still got to contend with the shoulders.  They can be damaged when we pull him out.  Or – if he gets stuck at the shoulders – he could develop palsy.

Rocco:  My co-worker’s wife delivered a twelve pound baby…

Me:  Roc?

Rocco:  …and he broke his shoulder coming out.

Me:  Please shut up, Rocco.

Rocco:  They had to twist him out like a football.

Me:  ROCCO!

Doctor:  Technically it’s not the shoulder that breaks in that situation.  It’s the clavicle.

Me:  Ok, how about you BOTH shut up?

So seeing as how Jabba the Baby seems to have inherited his father’s sense of direction and is clearly never going to find his way out on his own, we’re mounting a reconnaissance mission.  Tomorrow morning we’re sending in a team of navy seals.  Or a surgeon.  I’m just hoping the drugs are good enough I won’t be able to tell the difference.

On the upside, a c-section will give the doctor peeps a chance to check out my sketchy ovary.  Seems I have a cyst rivaling the size of Paul that they don’t like.  With my medical history, I reckon the wise thing to do is just chop it right out.  As my uncle Chuck would say, “Then there’s just one less place for cancer to grow.”

While I’m freaking out about over this development, my vagina is pretty excited.  I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s chanting “Viva the Vag” down there.

So the moral of the story is Paul should arrive tomorrow and I probably won’t be around the blogosphere for a little while.  I’ll try and get someone to post something letting you know all goes ok.

Miss you bitches already.

 


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42 thoughts on “Reconnaissance Mission

  1. Your baby’s birthday is going to be October 12th, on my parents’ 40th wedding anniversary, which means I’ll never be able to forget it!

    Try not to freak out too much (you should probably ball-gag most of the family right now!). Focus on one of the happiest days of your life and hey, think of the money you’re going to save on vajazzling yourself!

  2. I hope someone told Paul and he doesn’t show up TONIGHT. Jesus! Good luck man. I know if it were me I’d be RELIEVED to have the C section. My mom only had c-sections with us and never had to pass the basketball through a tiny gap thing.

    Sorry about your cyst – my mom and sister have both had ovarian cysts removed -so far it’s passed over me. I’m sure yours is more inconvenient than anything and all will be well! All the best! Try not to worry. I know that’s ridiculous but really. Try.

  3. Yay! You get to join the “one ovary” club. I’m the current president. The good thing is- membership only costs an ovary. Yes, that was my sad attempt at humor.

    I’m so excited for Paul to make his appearance. I think you will be away from the blogosphere for longer than you think. But you can catch us up on Twitter!

    Love and smooches your way,
    ♥Spot

    1. LIn that was exactly what I was going to say.
      Elly Bell, I had three c-sections, it’s totally like looking into the sun while high on the best mushrooms money can buy. My discovery of percocet was perhaps the most emotional revelation ever.
      hugs and kisses xoxo
      K

  4. Good luck and best wishes for the surgery. And hey, if you think of the cyst as having to come out eventually, you’re basically saving yourself a medical procedure. You’re being efficient! AND protecting a body part you seem to be quite fond of.

    The downside is that they’ll tell you not to lift anything heavier than the baby. And given the apparent size of your offspring-to-be, that won’t limit you too much.

    Get us an update as soon as you can talk someone into it, cause we’ll all be worried about you…

  5. A friend of mine had the c-section. It took her a while to recover but, then again, she’s not a badass like you. Here’s to it all turning out well for you on both fronts.

  6. Exciting scary times babe, but you’ll be fine, amazing and all round fabulous, because that’s just the kind of gal you are. At least with a C-section you are guaranteed the good drugs. And a two for one deal, with cyst begone thrown in for free, nice. And just think your lady bits will still be trim taught and terrific! See I’m a silver linings girl.

    Paul may well and truly be here by the time I’m typing this. So welcome Paul, you’re one lucky kid to have a mum like yours.

    Take care Elly, love and hugs and kisses and all that smooshy stuff. xxxx

  7. You can do this, you’re gonna rock the shit out of it. You get the awesomely large baby(bigger is better especially when it comes to babies and things related to making babies), the good drugs AND you won’t have to worry about peeing yourself every time you sneeze, laugh, turn around.
    I will miss you as much as a fat kid likes pie.

  8. here’s to jabba the baby! can’t wait to be an aunt. we’re gonna miss you so much out here on the interwebz, but you’ll be back before long, regaling us with even more stories and anecdotes.

    ps: i had a huge cyst on my ovary and they took the ovary because they couldn’t get just the cyst. they told me it was like having a c-section. so, you would be killing two birds with one stone if it comes to that.

    pps: paul you better not be colicky after this shit. sers, it’s one or the other. easy birth and PITA baby or makin mamma work it hard birth and walk in the park baby.

  9. Paul will share a birthday with my novel. How cool is that? First pen to paper on TOD was on Oct 12 2009. Anyway… who the F cares about that. You’re having a BABY!!!! I’m so psyched for you. WOOT!!!!

  10. Good luck. Both my monkeys came via c-section and the drugs are so good you won’t feel a thing promise. Plus they give you the really good pain killers to take home 😉

    Sorry to hear about the cyst, I know how those are too, at least they’ll be able to take it out and you won’t have to deal with that anymore.

  11. Sending all best wishes your way! C-section babies have beautiful round heads because they don’t get all squished up coming through the birth canal. Paul will thank you later in life when he’s bald and it looks damn good on him.

  12. YOMFG, that is so exciting! A baby!!!

    And trust me, the damage that can be done to the prettiest (or hardiest?) of all vags makes a C-section look kinda good from where I sit. Sigh. I mean, I’m not entirely sorry I did it my way but my hooha definitely is.

    TMI?! Again?! I’ll be singing Eye of the Tiger for you tomorrow, miss!!! <3 Can't wait to hear the lullabies you've got going for this precious guy.

  13. C-sections are the only way my kids found the light of this world. And the drugs worked like gangbusters. You’ll be fine.

    OMG you’re having a baby!!!! Squeeeeeeeeeee.

    Praying for you, wether you like it or not. How’s that for aggressive religiosity?

  14. Tomorrow???!!! Does that mean TODAY???!!! Oy vey, you won’t see me jumping up and down clapping and yelling “Welcome to the world, Paul!” On the other hand, you wouldn’t see me doing that anyway. But I am.

  15. This is proof that uke playing grows big babies. I’m sure of it. Anyone else want to do a study?

    And also, HOORAY! Get that baby OUT. So we all can start loving on him. Wishing you all the best (and awesome drugs). xoxo

  16. I know I’ve already said Congratulations!, like, three other places but fuck it, I’m saying it again! CONGRATULATIONS, DARLIN’!!

    Also, will say prayers about that cyst, but just focusing on the awesome right now. =)

  17. So now that I’m here and you and Paul are fine it’s like I’ve come from the future to tell past tense Elly that I have indeed foreseen these events and they are good.
    Also, in the future machines rule the world and Paul leads the resistance against Skynet. You should file that away for use at another time. Like when you are not high on Percocet.

    1. ahhh Percocet. I came here from the future too! At least that’s why I think I’m here. Also, you’ve got my 2 sections beat with your 3. Way more man than I — but also excited about the intact vagina club… nature being so unnecessary these days.

  18. Yay!!! You’ll do awesome and I can’t even imagine how excited you are, mama!! I’ll be thinking about you tomorrow…be sure to post an update somewhere whenever you get a chance! 🙂

  19. My friends are starting to have babies, and you hear them tell their birthing war stories, and all the fluffy stuff about babies being cute and it all being worth it. Frankly, it all sounds fairly terrifying to me, and it’s nice to hear that becoming pregnant doesn’t automatically make one immune to fear for one’s Pikachu. I hope everything has gone swimmingly!

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