So let me preface this post by saying it is entirely possible that this will not amuse you as much as it amuses me. However, if it amuses you even a fraction of how much it amuses me, I hope you’re either wearing depends or not particularly fond of your upholstery. Then again, it might not amuse you at all. (In hindsight I should have started this out by saying “Drinking Game – every time I say amuse, you do a shot,” and then pretty much anything I said from here on out would’ve been HIGH-frickin-sterical. Damn you, hindsight.)
So I was home one night, all alone in the dark, when I heard Webster make his little you-have-a-text noise. I figured Rocco was probably sending me some declaration of love at intermission, so I ignored it as per usual. Then Webster made the noise again. And again. AND AGAIN! It sure did sound like drunk texting, but who drunk texts at 9:30 at night? I should have had another three hours at least before I had to put my phone on vibrate and hide it under a pillow in the living room.
I picked up the phone to find a slew of texts from an unknown North Carolina cell number:
Can you believe I am texting
Dummy why are ot andwer
I m drunk
Otis all. Jeans fault
Oh Hell, my parents had learned about text messaging. I decided to pour myself a glass of wine before reading any further. I figured it was better to match their consumption if I was going to try and follow along. Webster continued to ding at regular intervals.
Where are you
Your dad is Worse than me
And jean is under the table flat out blitzes
I took advantage of the hiatus to send a few texts of my own.
You are scaring me lady
You bitches need to carb up.
And I am SOOO blogging this.
Shit, did you pass out?
It all just went downhill from there. I learned later that the pauses were often the result of my parents fighting over who would text the next line.
Help. I’ve fallen and I candy grey lip
Where are you? Knep
Candy grey lip?
You and dad are getting iphones for xmas aren’t u?
li don’t need this
Need what? A medic alert bracelet?
We have eaten awhile pan of rice krispee tweets
And nothing else I’m guessing.
And drank a whole box of red wine
Red Ted red red that is
Water. Try water.
And whatit does to outr singing
Blood on the saddle?
Water ! why
We are sad
Water makes you sad?
Did jean wake up yet?
Does she know you have her phone?
This could get expensive if she doesn’t have a plan…
Potty thre cowboy lying in thre gore
I’d call to figure out why you’re sad but this is too awesome to end.
Who said a committir couldn’t be asuch fin
Who said a computer couldn’t be much fun?
Was that what that was?
Blood on the ground
Over n out
And I have tears streaming down my face. Again. My abs are actually aching from laughing. Why does this crack my shit up so completely?
You can keep your home videos of toddlers hitting their dads in their respective crotches or kittens flying from ceiling fans. All I need for entertainment is a box of wine, a pan of rice krispies, and my parents (though a video of the event wouldn’t hurt).