Parental Advisory

So let me preface this post by saying it is entirely possible that this will not amuse you as much as it amuses me.  However, if it amuses you even a fraction of how much it amuses me, I hope you’re either wearing depends or not particularly fond of your upholstery.  Then again, it might not amuse you at all.  (In hindsight I should have started this out by saying “Drinking Game – every time I say amuse, you do a shot,” and then pretty much anything I said from here on out would’ve been HIGH-frickin-sterical.  Damn you, hindsight.)

So I was home one night, all alone in the dark, when I heard Webster make his little you-have-a-text noise.  I figured Rocco was probably sending me some declaration of love at intermission, so I ignored it as per usual.  Then Webster made the noise again.  And again.  AND AGAIN!  It sure did sound like drunk texting, but who drunk texts at 9:30 at night?  I should have had another three hours at least before I had to put my phone on vibrate and hide it under a pillow in the living room.

I picked up the phone to find a slew of texts from an unknown North Carolina cell number:

Hi elly

Can you believe I am texting

Dummy why are ot andwer

I m drunk

Otis all. Jeans fault

Oh Hell, my parents had learned about text messaging.  I decided to pour myself a glass of wine before reading any further.  I figured it was better to match their consumption if I was going to try and follow along.  Webster continued to ding at regular intervals.

Where are you

?

Your dad is Worse than me

And jean is under the table flat out blitzes

I took advantage of the hiatus to send a few texts of my own.

You are scaring me lady

You bitches need to carb up.

And I am SOOO blogging this.

Shit, did you pass out?

It all just went downhill from there.  I learned later that the pauses were often the result of my parents fighting over who would text the next line.

Help. I’ve fallen and I candy grey lip

Where are you? Knep

Home.  Dorkus.

Candy grey lip?

You and dad are getting iphones for xmas aren’t u?

li don’t need this

Need what?  A medic alert bracelet?

We have eaten awhile pan of rice krispee tweets

And nothing else I’m guessing.

And drank a whole box of red wine

Red Ted red red that is

Water.  Try water.

And whatit does to outr singing

Blood on the saddle?

Water ! why

We are sad

Water makes you sad?

Did jean wake up yet?

Does she know you have her phone?

This could get expensive if she doesn’t have a plan…

Asad case

Potty thre cowboy lying in thre gore

I’d call to figure out why you’re sad but this is too awesome to end.

Who said a committir couldn’t be asuch fin

Get that?

Who said a computer couldn’t be much fun?

Was that what that was?

No

Blood on the ground

Over n out

And I have tears streaming down my face.  Again.  My abs are actually aching from laughing.  Why does this crack my shit up so completely?

You can keep your home videos of toddlers hitting their dads in their respective crotches or kittens flying from ceiling fans.  All I need for entertainment is a box of wine, a pan of rice krispies, and my parents (though a video of the event wouldn’t hurt).


Was that good for you, too? Then click here and follow my Facebook page. Or even better, join the mailing list. Free pony with every subscription. Probably.

10 thoughts on “Parental Advisory

  1. The fact that they PLAY ALONG? Had I tried that, I would’ve gotten a phone call a few minutes later all, “What…exactly are all these texts? They make no sense?”

    No shit.

  2. Ok. That is one of the most hilarious fucking things I have ever read, and I’ve read some funny shit. You did the right thing by blogging this. A moment like that lost would be a pitiful shame.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.