Holy crap it’s August! That means the wedding of the century is almost here. I guess I should check in with that Etsy vendor to make sure the bridal saddle will be ready in time. I’ve still only seen the preliminary sketches so you’ll understand why I’m a bit concerned.
Just in case the mechanical bull doesn’t work out (Gwen still vehemently insists it will NOT work out), my fellow bridesmaid…er bridesman and I have been discussing other entertainment options. I like to think of the ceremony itself as more of an “opening act” with the headliner reserved for later in the evening.
So far, nothing is working out. Turns out loading in an aquatic show is cost prohibitive. The vineyard has a pretty strict policies against flamethrowers. We don’t have enough time to replicate Superman’s fortress of solitude out of rock candy and tongue depressors. Both the bride and the groom refuse to wear harnesses under their wedding attire. I swear, we can’t catch a break!
So then we discussed some simpler options. But the bride insists that inflatable jumping castles are “not tasteful.” Lady, I’m not suggesting the turrets replace the crab cakes. Wait, I don’t like crab cakes. Maybe that’s exactly what I’m suggesting.
So now bridesman and I are thinking face painting is the answer. How hard can that be? Granted, the last time I accidentally ate a palette of face paint the flavors seemed to be “toe fungus” and “hot urine-soaked asphalt” but that was many years ago. At least three. I’m sure huge strides have been made in the field of face paint flavors since then. Face paint = tasteful.
Now everyone knows the trickiest part of any social activity is getting people started in participating. How many times have you seen the sad, unpopulated craft table at a kid’s birthday party while the little hellions hover around the periphery waiting for anyone to go first? Tragic! But bridesman and I have a solution. We’ll go first. The entire bridal party.
Let’s see, there’s four of us supporting Bridezilla. Well, that’s almost too easy.
To really sell it though, I think Matt and Gwen absolutely have to participate as well.
I’m getting misty-eyed already. I’ve said it once. I’ll say it five bazillion more times before this shit is over. I’m the best old married hag of honor, EVAH!