I survived the wedding, but now I’m off trying to survive the after, after, after party in some ridiculously tanned and buffed land called “Ocean City.” Since it’s probably not wise for me to continue crawling back up onto the roof just to capture this weak-ass pirated wireless network, I’ve lined up a few guest posts for you beautiful people. But before I go, I thought I’d share my toast (YEAH TOAST!) for the lovely bride as her Old Married Hag of Honor.
See you in a few days. I miss you already, Interwebz.
Matt is the best thing that ever happened to me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure he’s been super great for Gwen, too. But I have a hard time believing he’s been as good for her as he’s been for me.
I mean, have you met Gwen? She’s a whirlwind of destruction. If you happen to go on a shopping excursion with Gwenie, know that you will spend the entire next day picking up all the twist ties and tiny pieces of cellophane strewn about your car or home from the post shopping open-a-thon. Gwen has never met a box that she could leave sealed nor a bag she could leave closed. God forbid someone should print “some assembly required” anywhere on the packaging, or you’re guaranteed a long, superglue-filled evening. I can only imagine what Christmas and birthdays were like in her childhood household.
But that’s her approach to all things in life – rip it open, dive right in. Cut straight through people’s walls, their layers of defenses. Charge well past their comfort zones and poke at their innermost secrets. Leave them defenseless, bewildered, and somehow enchanted — all at once.
I was completely prepared to hate Gwen when my ex asked to bring her to Spring Break my senior year of high school. (Why yes, I am THAT much younger than she is.) But be damned if she didn’t woo me instantaneously. A decade and a half later, I’m still trying to figure out how she did that.
Obviously it worked on Matt, too. The poor guy never stood a chance.
I’ve learned many things during my friendship with Gwen — usually because she managed to create situations where I HAD to learn new things…like driving a stick shift, basic breaking and entering, what to do when your car is impaled on a grave stone. You know, the basic survival stuff.
I’ve also learned how to ask for help, that I don’t have to do everything alone. I’ve learned how cathartic a good cry can be. I’ve learned how to be fearless, and how to recover when that doesn’t quite pan out. I’ve been fortunate to benefit greatly from Gwen’s wisdom…and old, old age.
I want to take a quick moment to thank Gwen’s parents, who I like to think are here in spirit with us tonight. David and Mary Lou, thanks for creating this wonderful girl — my best friend, my hetero life partner, the sister I never had, my named accomplice in 90% of the criminal investigations still pending, and for whom I am incredibly grateful.
I’d also like to thank Barbara and Kirk for their wonderful son, Matt. Mostly because Gwen is his problem now.
Congratulations, you two. Here’s to a long and happy marriage.