My Face Weighs Forty-seven Pounds

Rocco:  “You sound like shit.”

Me:  “Imagine that!  I feel like shit.”

Rocco:  “You slept on two pillows last night.”

Me:  “I fell asleep propped up so I could watch the TV.”

Rocco:  “That cough is getting worse.”

Me:  “So is the oil spill.”

Rocco:  *stern look*

Me:  *whistling, avoiding direct eye contact*

Rocco:  “Can you please go see a doctor?”

Me:  *in my best Arnold Schwarzenegger voice* “It’s not a tumor.”

He hates that joke.  HATES when I say that.  Almost as much as when I crack that-shit-will-give-you-cancer jokes.  Ah well, I guess you have to know your audience.

Mmm, chunky.

I feel like someone shoved a sleeping bag into my nasal cavity.  No, sleeping bags are dry.  Let’s try that again – I feel like someone emptied the contents of a #10 can of tapioca pudding into each of my nostrils.  Based on the fun things I’m collecting in tissues, there may have also been some lemon curd involved.

So yeah, I’m sick.  Not capital S sick (the kind that involved oncologists or surgery) but just plain old average every day sick.  Oh, and I got my period.  Which reminds me of the best line Barefoot Foodie ever wrote – “Have you ever thrown up so violently, your tampon shot out of your body like some kind of Nerf dart gun?”

Yeah, it’s like that but with coughing.  So far no puke.  Though these sneezing fits sometimes result in things flying out of my face.

As a result of my sexy sicko status, I’m probably the most popular person at the events I’ve been hosting this week.  “Hi I’m Elly, *hack, hack, cough, awkward face, gulp down wad of phlegm, suppress gag reflex* thanks for coming!  Can I have your la..las…*cough, hack, cough* last name so I can register you?  *blows nose then mumbles*…in the face.”

Sexy, right?

It’s even better when I’m away from the registration table and people approach me casually.  “Hi Elly, I’m…”

“Don’t touch me.”

“Pardon?”

“I’m not going to shake your hand.  I’m wicked sick.  You can thank me tomorrow when you don’t wake up looking like this.” Then I stick out my deceptively pointy elbow so we can bump appendages.

About 30% of them get it, bump elbows, and say thanks. About 30% continue to stare at me blankly with their hands extended.  Another 30% flee the immediate vicinity while frantically rubbing Purell all over their exposed skin.  The last 10%?  Would you believe they hug me?  I’m pretty sure I’m on the CDC’s watch list at this point.

To make this whole whirlwind travel, coughing up a lung, crazy work schedule flow even more smoothly, I had to cancel my credit card.  It seems someone has been using my number to buy up AutoTrader ads and open online sports-betting accounts.  The same credit card I used to book all my travel.  No more kiosk check-ins for me!   Good thing there’s only one more week of this fun.

In other news, a kitten will joyfully leap into a pile of wadded up kleenex and frolic with wild abandon.  Then she will look at you with great disdain as she licks your phlegm off her little paws.

In other other news, this video is totally freaking me out:


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29 thoughts on “My Face Weighs Forty-seven Pounds

  1. omg i do the “it’s not a tumor” joke, too. tell rocco i said that shit IS funny.

    i once had an all-out coughing fit so bad i swore i dislodged my IUD. and that litte bugger is implanted. the next day, after my fishing expedition turned up nothing, i insisted my doc send me for one of those transvag ultrasounds to find it.

    want me to junk punch your cold in the face?

  2. I am sorry you are sick, puddin’. Wait. I am pretty sure you don’t want ppl calling you puddin’ any more. I can’t watch the vid. I have phobia against people wearing heads of puppets.

  3. Oh, being sick in the summer is the worst! Its not like you’re going to bundle up if you get the chills, either.
    My tampons fall out when I am running. Sometimes I have to ditch them in the bushes when nobody’s looking. Don’t tell.
    I am having a real hard time with that video.

    1. Turns out my cold showers haven’t been helping the situation. He wants me to get a neti pot. Can I tell you, those things scare the bejeezus out of me. They look like a device to scramble your brains.

      1. Yeah, see, COLD showers are not the same as steam 🙂

        I have a neti pot for allergies, I use it like once a month. But I tried using it when I was sick and it just made me kinda vomit in my nose. I think they are awesome for long term, but not necessarily for really sick sick.

        My mother always feeds me hot water with lemon juice and honey. I mean, if you have meds from the doctor for the infection, there’s nothing more you can do until it passes. Other than drink hot things and open up your pores.

  4. It’s always 47, isn’t it? It’s always the exaggerated number. ‘I have 47 assignments on my desk.’ ‘Why do you have 47 boxes of Cheerios in your pantry?’ ‘I swear we haven’t had sex in 47 years.’

    In any case, Rocco should be totally happy you have a cold because you are producing months worth of lubricant supply. It’s called *being thrifty.*

    P.S. Feel better.

    1. To be totally hardcore, it has to be five more than the answer to life, the universe, and everything, right?!?!

      Ah! Romance always begins with, “Do you want me to cough something up on that?”

      In keeping with our usual comments – no YOU feel better…ya big ‘ol buffalo.

  5. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be judgmental, but Pulp Muppets is just sick and wrong. And creepy.

    Sounds like you might have a sinus infection. Even though Zombie St. Joe ate Rocco’s brains, I agree with him. Go see a doctor!

  6. 1.) My motto is: Shit will buff out. 2.) When I’m sick and coughing, I apparently do it so violently and fast that my Dad is fascinated by the scene. 3.) When I was four, I shoved a fake diamond up my nose from a clip on earring, went to the ER and ended up sneezing it out, which made it shoot across the room all snot covered. 4.) I need you to go to YouTube and look up “Miss Piggy Fuck The Pain Away.” If people don’t laugh at that video, I assume they have no soul. 5.) I’m drunk in the Denver airport with my Mom…sorry.

    1. Hi Mom!!

      I fell for that Miss Piggy thing once and there is no way in hell I’m watching that video again. I didn’t sleep for a month. Troublemaker…

      Did you Mom dig the video?

  7. So what you are saying is you made HotLanta SnotLanta? I really kind of love that! A lot! I bet you sound super sexy as a transvag. Hawt!!

    I still use the “It’s not a tumor” line, only it’s been long enough for me, I toss in a “probably” at the end. 🙂 Still fucking hilarious!

  8. Muppets ON THE BRAIN. And I waited it out to see who played Eric Stoltz only to find him playing himself… I love this and will be playing it beyond annoying. Glad to see Jazz make an appearance!

    Now seriously, get better Toot Sweet. Like yesterday…. No more canned air for you!

  9. Hope you feel better. I will always think of you when I have my afternoon tapioca. My sister use to love those fucking things and we told her it was fish eyes. Yup! she is in therapy.

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