Longest Boobs Ever

I woke up this morning with pink eye. At least I think it’s pink eye. I’ve never had it before. Awesome.

So like any overly-connected gal, I took to the internet in search of ways to fix it and prevent it from infecting all inhabitants of our abode. I found this:

If you develop pinkeye, simply squirt a little breast milk directly onto the surface of your eye. Lift your eyelid slightly to help the breast milk circulate underneath. Continue this treatment three times a day for a couple of days, or until the eye infection has cleared. If your symptoms persist or worsen, though, seek medical advice.

Um, hi. Read that again.

…squirt a little breast milk directly onto the surface of your eye.

*leans forward, looks down at boob, lowers head, pulls boob up as far as it will possibly go, lifts head, looks at other boob, tries again*

*sits back to ponder*

*leans forward again, makes hang loose sign with hand and tries to measure distance from nipple to eye*

*sits back to ponder*

*leans forward again, opens bra, tries to bend boob so nipple points at own face, squawks in pain*

*scrambles to find something to absorb now leaking milk*

Looks like I’m going to need antibiotics.


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19 thoughts on “Longest Boobs Ever

  1. Here’s what I want to write: See?!!? If you’d have just listened to me and stopped rubbing chemical soap all over your bits and bobs, none of this would have happened.

    But I’m afraid others would misunderstand.

    sigh.

  2. I really think you should try it. Maybe just find a stranger with pinkeye. OH! Preschool. Get thee to a preschool, bust in with boobs at the ready, and hit the first kid with crusty eyelashes square in the peeper. The trick is getting them to let you back in for follow-up treatment. People are so fucking uptight.

  3. Wait, I was told that another bodily fluid took care of pink eye, strep throat, the clap and broken bones. All that time I spent on my knees and all I really had to do was cover myself in my own breastmilk? Think of the time I could have saved.

    *disclaimer* I do not currently have nor have I ever suffered from the aforementioned *the clap* I like to exaggerate while using my imagination. Why that includes making me an STD riddled woman of ill repute is beyond me

  4. Hmmm… Maybe you could try standing on your head. You can use one hand to keep your balance while you use to other to squeeze the milk. All the while, you’ll have to try to carefully aim for the milk to drop directly in your eyes.

    Send pics if you try it.

  5. I love that people have suggested that you find another person with pinkeye to squirt your breastmilk at…and that you petition Craigslist for another nursing mother to squirt hers at you…but ummmm, hi, how about you pump yours into a bottle and then from the bottle into your eye?

  6. Now odd as that sounds I’m having much more fun imagining that scenario and how you’d ever explain it to someone who walked in on you trying to squirt your own breast milk into your eye, let alone someone else’s breast milk into your eye. And now I have the giggles. Thank you! 🙂

  7. you could probably achieve this after you are done with the nursing all together…although lacking in boob milk. This is right up there with peeing on worts.

  8. Also, none of here have explored the possibility that Elly may in fact be suffering from the dreaded “stink eye” which mimics conjunctivitis in every way *EXCEPT* being able to throw a curse or pox of some magnitude on your enemies. My Nana had the most terrifyingly bulbous red rimmed ocular cavity ever.

  9. Frigging hilarious. I think the website was talking about squirting your breast milk into the baby’s eye if he has pink eye. Some people have done that. But some people have also eaten yak testicles. Call a doctor.

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