Left Boob: This is it. This is the time it’s going to work. I can feel it.
Right Boob: *snicker*
Left Boob: No really! I’ve been working out – you know – pumping like mad.
Paul: *latches on*
Left Boob: Oh yo! Here we go!
Paul: *whimpers, scowls*
Right Boob: *snickers*
Left Boob: C’mon kid, you’re giving me an inferiority complex!
Right Boob: I can’t watch.
Left Boob: Did he just roll his eyes at me?
Right Boob: *dribbling* Oh relax. He can’t even control his eyes consistently yet. Besides, he’s probably shitting again.
Left Boob: Keep it down over there. And can you please not leak while I’m trying to work? You’re distracting him.
Paul: *spits out nipple*
Left Boob: DAMNIT!
Right Boob: How’s that working out for you?
Left Boob: *ignoring Righty* Let’s try it again, Paul. How about this angle?
Paul: *wailing, throws head from side to side*
Right Boob: C’mere kiddo. I got what you need.
Paul: *eagerly latches on, proceeds to suck harder than a Rod Stewart’s Greatest Hits album*
Left Boob: Double damnit. How do you do that?
Right Boob: It’s pretty easy when you don’t suck….or can’t get sucked in your case.
Left Boob: Real fucking helpful, Righty. You’re a dick.
Right Boob: No idiot, I’m a boob. So are you. But if you’re under the impression we’re dicks, that might explain why you’re so bad at this.
Left Boob: I’m not THAT bad at it.
Paul: *pulls away to catch breath*
Right Boob: Can you do this? *shoots stream of milk up Paul’s nose*
Left Boob: *horrified* Why on Earth would I ever want to?
Right Boob: *laughs* I’m rich on liquid gold, bitch.
Left Boob: I thought that was oil.
Right Boob: That’s black gold. Didn’t you pay attention to the nurses or consultants in the hospital?
Left Boob: The lactation nazis? I had to start ignoring all their literature depicting 70’s boobs with “Liquid Gold” written in flowing cursive. Besides, I’m not a real big fan of people I don’t know laying their hands all over me.
Right Boob: You’re too uptight. And you should probably have listened. I was an A student. You’re just an A cup.
Paul: *latches back on sucking like a Tyler Perry movie*
Right Boob: …as I was saying.
Left Boob: You are such an asshole.
Right Boob: I thought we covered this…