For The Birds

Today’s grammatically correct and well written post is from the surprisingly tall RySal.  You can normally find her baking away while listening to They Might Be Giants over at For The Birds.  She has, quite possibly, the sexiest set of legs I’ve ever seen.  But because I was warned she was a wee bit shy, I managed to NOT lick them at BlogHer…but just barely.  She was kind enough to take a moment during her gynecologist appointment to write this little piece.  I’m going to assume she was still in the waiting room rather than poking away at her iPad while the doc was poking away at her iCervix.


Pssst… Hi there, shhh shhh — don’t speak above a whisper, please.  I’m trying to gauge the temperature of my surroundings before I raise my voice… because I’ve never been in here before and given the ownership– I don’t want to unnecessarily ruffle any feathers.

Because this is Elly’s blog, and she isn’t here today, I am.

And woah woah woah, hold on a sec.  Don’t get all, who the hell are you and what have you done with Elly– she’s fine, maybe… although I’m really just placating you because I have no idea where or how she is right now.  But whatevs– you can stone me all you like–I have Mildred to worry about which is way more intimidating.

It’s quite nice here, although I can’t figure out where that noise is coming from.  Do you hear it, kind of like a murmuring hum that keeps… Oh never mind.  No really, it really is pleasant here.  I know– one would expect to have vattooed orgy filled hallways and kittens playing ukuleles, sitting on magic toad stools– but no…. Just a few mythical unicorns scalping unused theater tickets…I am quite I impressed by the sex toy collection, but it could use a little organizing– I hope Elly isn’t too particular, but let’s go with color, followed by shape and then size.  There, that’s much better.

So, what am I doing here?  Well… Elly has been a little busy lately preparing a friend for wedded bliss.  And while I am totally aware that I really don’t have any business being here, my curiosity was overbearing.  Because if you’ve stopped in before, you know– Elly can be addictive…. Like lip balm or sodium…. She reads through the internet finding things that couldn’t possibly exist, and then she makes sure that we all know…. Like the time she read about a woman arrested for driving while shaving her pubic hair, and then felt it necessary to tell us about it.  Yeah, that…. Because how else would any of us known about it?  That which is now permanently burned on my brain… Thanks for it, really… The knowledge has helped me on more than one occasion.

But Elly isn’t just addictive because of her vast knowledge on all things, ahem, down there… She’s also quite graceful about throwing herself down flights of stairs while singing show tunes…. Consistently making me laugh while saying Are you KIDDING ME!?!  Because the answer is no… She isn’t.  Because that stuff really exists, and thanks to Elly for letting me know.  Oh and I figured out the noise, and why Rod Stewart isn’t touring this summer… He’s here, under the kitchen sink, battling it out with the original cast of FAME and the Village People.  One things for certain… Never a dull moment.


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18 thoughts on “For The Birds

  1. I mean, how else are we supposed to find out about sparkly bits and unicorn wars?
    Whatever you do, DON’T let Rod Stewart go free. He’s got a real knack for marrying younger women and then going on tour in hot pants so you might turn around and find you are practicing polygamy with a guy who just vanished in a puff of smoke.

    1. I actually resorted to duck tapping Rod to the plumbing.. One more Oh Maggie and things were going to get ugly. Regardless, I’m sensing that polygamy is a hot topic around here…

    1. Oh my god…that is so cute.

      Also I have no idea if this is going to be a reply to your reply to my comment. But if it is this smore maker would be AWESOME to iron out Rod’s wrinkles.

  2. From the first time I read the name Elly Lou my Dr. Seussian (yes, I make up words)brain added ‘Who’ to the end of it. Elly Lou Who! Seriously, doesn’t a rhinestone studded vagina sound like it probably comes standard in Whoville?! Ukuleles are actually played as jazz base there and where do you think all those unicorn-pooping-cupcakes shirts are mass produced?! Whoville! Which I suspect more with every post is where Elly Lou Who lives.

    Or she’s been huffing metalic paint again. Or I have. It’s a toss up.

    Ry Sal, thanks for filling in! Afraid I’m going to have to hate you for the goreous legs though! 😉

  3. Ry, good job guarding the castle against the attack by vampiric zombies. Actually those might have been runaway bedazzled vajajays. Well, you have succeeded in keeping the sex toys safe. Now have a victory drink from the cup that you found under the sink. Say, it looks vaguely familiar…

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