Fingernail Sweat

I can’t decide if Magda over at I’m Just Sayin’ is trying to A) kill me or B) have freaky lesbian monkey sex with me.  She’s given me ANOTHER award.  Clearly she has ulterior motives or serious issues.  Odds are high this will end in death or sex.  Either option makes me mildly uncomfortable, frankly.

I’m not a big fan of option A because I am staunchly anti-death…at least when it’s my death under consideration.  Not that I’m pro-death in other cases.  Though I did recently read a disturbing piece about how cannibalism would have far more impact on our global footprint than veganism.  I don’t know what to tell you – people send me weird stuff.

As for option B, that’s not quite as black and white.  There are the obvious positives (not death and lesbian monkey sex spring to mind), but then there are the negatives, too.  I’ve never met Madga in real life.  That girl could have full on face herpes (fist bump to @KeepingYouAwake).  Generally, that’s a pretty big turnoff for me regardless of the flavor of monkey sex.  Plus the girl doesn’t drink tequila.  If there’s anything I’ve learned from Mom, it’s that lesbian sex should involve tequila.

Now I sit here thinking about my “Your Blog Sucks and I Like You Anyway” award and wondering if there really is such a thing as lesbian monkey sex but being too timid to google the term.  I’ve seen enough freaky stuff for one week, people.

The Backhanded Compliment Award
The Backhanded Compliment Award

So anyway Magda is all “I LOVE YOU – here’s an award” and then she’s all “I HATE YOU – ’cause it’s the your-blog-sucks-but-I-like-you-anyway-award” and then she’s all “I LOVE YOU – you’re ‘de-fucking-lightful’ and I keep telling people about you” and then she’s all “I HATE YOU – and I’m going to add crazy pressure and needle you into coming up with more award related blog posts” and just when I’m about to pass out she’s all “DANCE PUPPET, DANCE!” and then I’m weeping on the floor in the fetal position sucking vodka through a straw…again.

Is there an award for the worst sentence structure of all time?  If so, that bitch is mine.

On to the dancing, I suppose.  Magda likes to pick these awards that involve work and rules and details.  Now I have to list five things I enjoy and then thank five of my “loyal followers who make your day with frequent and cool comments.”  My fingernails are sweating from the pressure.

Five things I like (in no particular order, stream of consciousness style):

  • Sea Monkeys
  • Wine
  • Beer
  • Vodka
  • Banana Slugs

That was weird.  I should probably jot those down to discuss next week with my shrink (a.k.a. Dirty Diana).  Let’s move on to thanking my Fab Five Followers:

Cooltoff:  You’re like a sponge.  I don’t pay attention to half the shit that comes out of my mouth/keyboard, yet somehow you pay attention to all of it and then make witty obscure references to things I don’t even remember saying.  Then I feel silly.  So, thanks for that.  Keep it up.

Submom:  Your name sounds like some kind of super cool indy record label for mom rockers.  Your political affiliations make me look downright conservative.  You’re seventeen kinds of niftiness, even if you do drink bubble tea willingly.

Don:  If it wasn’t for your witty comments and the laugh-induced tea stains on my shirt sleeves, I’d probably never bother to change clothes or do laundry.  Without you, I’d smell like the inside of a belly button.

Falling:  I just think it’s adorable that you claim to have never dyed a ferret.  That is reason enough for a Fab Five Follower shout out in my book.

KeepingYouAwake:  I know, I JUST gave him an award two days ago and I should be spreading the STD love to a wider Circle of Friends but I just can’t help it.  He is THAT FUNNY.

Thanks, bitches – you rule.  And for you other dreamboats that I didn’t mention specifically?  Yeah, I suck and you were totally robbed.  I still love you, though.  I doodle your names in the margins of my notebooks all day long.  For reals.  Don’t go.  Please don’t go.  Don’t leave me here…all alone…with Magda…in the dark…with her evil plans…please…

*whimper*


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16 thoughts on “Fingernail Sweat

  1. Oh man, the Backhanded Compliment Award?!? I’ve been dreaming of receiving a BCA for some length of time now, but I still don’t have a proper speech prepared. This is all my fault, and I can’t let you down like this. After all, I still haven’t sent you pictures of the placement of the stickers you sent me… In effort to remedy this, and as my acceptance speech, a poem:

    Today I got a fine award,
    All my life thus far worked toward.
    A trophy of words. A picture as well.
    My readers will love it, likely all twelve.
    I’ll get it in ink, right there on my arm,
    protection from werewolves, collections and harm.
    And every night, when I drift off in bed,
    I’ll know Elly Lou is inside of my head.
    .-= KeepingYouAwake´s last blog ..Uncle Buck Parenting =-.

  2. I am so so so tempted to google lesbian monkey sex…but then I realise I am sitting at my desk, surrounded by old people. I live in a country where everything is censored and even the mention of the ‘L’ word could bring on a quickie flight back to the UK. OK, OK, maybe I exaggerate a little…just wanted to explain my laziness. Oh and my anonymity ;0)
    .-= Eternally Distracted´s last blog ..A century of posts – A tribute to Mec! =-.

  3. You know I go to your site before my favorite porn site almost every morning (bananaguide.com) cause you are a double award winning bloggette!

    But your site is a lot of work. I had to Wikipedia sea monkeys to stay current with you.

  4. Fucktard here reporting for duty. You had me at Vodka. I cannot believe you still love me after the bubble tea, the egg and sushi… Sorry I didn’t accept this award till now because SOMEONE, I shall not name names here, had to go and write a poem as their acceptance speech. Seriously? Showoff! So now I am all trying to come up with something even cooler… THANKS A LOT ‘CA– USE YOU ARE NOW KEEPING ME AWAKE!

    Thanks Elly Lou. If you and Magda decide to, cough cough, go at it, can I come and watch? Remember: I have a degree in performance studies. I don’t snicker at nekkid bodies.

    Congratulations on the two in a row also! Do let me know when it is indeed multiple orgasms. I will write my award posts. Promise.
    .-= submom´s last blog ..Forget about WTF Wednesday… =-.

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