Enough. With. The. Fucking. Snow.

Save your “oh but I LOVE the snow” vagina face for someone who cares.  I hate Snow.  Snow is dead to me.  It’s simply over between the two of us.  Snow and I will never, ever get along.  Just stop trying to get us back together already.

We were in love once, you know.  We were young, foolish, and lived in a much more temperate climate.  I didn’t see much of him, so he seemed exotic and magical.  When Snow came to town, everyone noticed.

I grew up near a golf course with a massive hill, completely devoid of trees and rocks.  In the summer, Thom and I would climb to the top, flop on our sides, and roll down in a frantic race to reach the bottom.  Usually I hurled.  But that was cool because then we had obstacles to avoid, making the whole exercise far more dangerous and exciting.

In the winter though, that hill was plain magic.  Kids would come from miles around to tackle that snowy mountain.  We’d bundle up in our hand-me-down snow pants from our Illinois cousins (Thom looked fantastic in 80’s hot pink puffy racing stripes) and spend hours defying death while Mom whipped up a batch of snow cream.  (By the by, I put a bowl out on the fire escape during my first NYC snow storm with dreams of making snow cream.  I’ve never seen anything more disgusting.  Also, I’ve never again tried to catch a snowflake on my tongue.)

We broke up in college.  Maybe it was trudging around campus in all that billowy bullshit.  Maybe it was having to drive in his wake.  Regardless, it was time for us both to move on, but Snow just couldn’t let go.  Then things started to get awkward.

I think it might have been because that patchouli wearing hippie I shacked up with Freshman year was from South Carolina and got SO excited when Snow would come to town.  It was disturbing to see those two chumming it up and rolling around with each other.  I discussed the issue with them both separately, and we all agreed that Snow should just go away for a while, give us some space.  The summer passed without incident, but come January Snow showed up unannounced and the two of them were out carousing till all hours.  I ended up ditching them both, but like the sweet stench of patchouli, Snow always sticks around longer than you’d like.

After I moved north, things just escalated.  I was seeing a lot more of Snow, and it wasn’t good for either of us.  Plus we were on his home turf.

There was a time when we could be civil.  If Snow happened to show up at a party I was attending, I could play nice, make small talk, and avoid a major confrontation.  But Snow just had to keep taking it up a notch.  Showing up ALL WINTER LONG, tripping me in public, ruining my nice shoes.  Fucker.

This year has been the worst.  Snow has started to stalk me.  I took a trip down South and that summabitch FOLLOWED me.  He dumped a foot of snow on ill prepared Greensboro, NC and ruined my daddy’s party.  That party was open bar, damnit!  That’s a nasty, low blow…even for you, Snow.

Then that bastard followed me back to Jersey and dumped another ass ton of his filthy frozen funk.  When I mentioned to some friends that I might travel back down to NC to try and catch the rescheduled party, he traipsed down there and dumped more snow as a threat.  Well, you don’t scare me Snow.  You’re not my first stalker.  I’m meaner than you, rat bastard.

So now, I think there’s just been too much bad blood for too many years.  Snow and I are never going to make peace.  It’s better if we just agree to give each other space and avoid each other at all costs.  I’m resigned to hiding indoors while he pisses all over winter.

All the same, I’m ready for him to leave for a few months so I can make out with Sunshine again.

Snow.  Boo.  Hiss.

Also?  The cold makes my Avatar hangover so much worse.  Grumble.


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37 thoughts on “Enough. With. The. Fucking. Snow.

  1. I have always hated the snow. I grew up in a city where the superintendent was infamous for NEVER calling of school, no matter how bad the weather was. EVER. I was in high school the first time it ever happened, with a NEW superintendent, my last year in school. Now they call off all the freaking time. And today, they used up their last snow day for the year. After this, they’ll be sitting in school with sweat dripping down their cracks to make up for it.
    .-= Aunt Juicebox´s last blog ..Be Forewarned, You May Regret Reading Any Further =-.

  2. I’m wearing my snow’s-been-picking-on-me-for-years vagina face… I can’t even understand how you dated that dick!

    He’s always pushing me down, making my look like I wet my pants, keeping me from leaving the house to go play… What an asshole. I’d want to ride my bike and I’d hear from my parents “It’s snowing out, you can’t ride your bike.” Well who the fuck gave HIM priority over me?!? Can’t he stop so I can have some fun too?

    Sure, sometimes he’d make such a mess that school would be canceled and that was cool, but my birthday parties were always a few guests short because of him.

    Above all I can’t believe you put Snow in your mouth… Hussy.
    .-= KeepingYouAwake´s last blog ..Damn, I’m Opinionated =-.

  3. Elly Lou Lou Pudding Pie, I hear you, fo shizzle. Snow is not only a total dick but he’s absolutely useless too. And this year he’s clearly gone mental. I think he has histrionic personality disorder, in my unprofessional opinion. I would suggest you need some time in a home for battered women, say in Arizona maybe?
    .-= Andrea´s last blog .."Bad romance" =-.

    1. Mmmm. Arizona sounds just lovely. FYI when I see the words “histrionic personality disorder” I think of the vibrator play. Snow clearly needs a “session” with the doctor.

  4. Snow has made me his bitch. (dominated vagina face) I have given in to his demands, he has fish hooked me, pulled my hair, tied me to the bed, had his way with me, at first I was enjoying it, playful, a little rough, but not in a bad way. Then he got out of control, wouldn’t let me out of the house, kept my friends away. Before long I was completely alone with him, then he started to come more often, now he is out of control. There is nothing left of my dignity, let’s just say, I feel violated……..
    .-= Wicked Shawn´s last blog ..A Whole New Respect =-.

    1. You couldn’t pay me. Well you could pay me and I would totally take your money but then I would fully renig on the deal and whisk your cheddar away to Cozumel. So yeah, pay me.

  5. What an ass. I’d kill snow for you right now but I think I’ll just call my dad so he can help snow put on his “concrete shoes” and go for a swim. Or not.
    .-= Kelly´s last blog ..Alone =-.

  6. Elly, my dear. You have been stalked by snow. I am sad to inform you. And as much as I love you, please stay away from Chicago. XXOO

    p.s. There is an award waiting for you in my latest post. 🙂 And I think you are going to love it.

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