I really thought I was going to write about this article today. I mean, the title couldn’t be more brilliant – “Cleverest Women Are the Heaviest Drinkers.” I’m clever as all hell. My box of wine told me so. I’m so clever that after I clicked on that link and read that brilliant title, I turned off my computer, poured myself a glass of wine and toasted the depths of my clever-itude while mercilessly judging the American Idol contestants, calm with the knowledge that I already had a topic for today’s post.
Side Bar: I love American Idol. LOVE. Go ahead and judge me. There’s something magical about watching someone blossom, find their way, flounder occasionally, then find their voice, find a way to let their heart sing. It doesn’t hurt that I’m a music junkie. It also doesn’t hurt that I never watch it live so I can zip through all the random banter and hideous performances.
Side Side Bar: I had been seriously considering finding a second hand ukulele and learning how to play “Enter Sandman” so I’d have a worthwhile party trick instead of the old standard squeezing-my-fist-into-my-mouth routine. After last night’s show, I’m thinking a didgeridoo might be even better, even though slightly less portable. Also I’m not sure you can play “Enter Sandman” on a didgeridoo. Judges? What should I do? Ukulele or didgeridoo? In the meantime, I’ll keep practicing my kazoo. Crap, someone already did “Enter Sandman” on the kazoo.
Side Side Side Bar: I can’t believe how much time I’ve spent this morning watching videos of “Enter Sandman.” If I was really clever, I’d have better time management skills. And shoes that fit. Crap. How is this post not over already? My attention span is shot. I could really use a tall glass of…AHEM…water.
Then this morning I bothered to READ the article. First line:
Women who went to university consume more alcohol than their less-highly-educated counterparts, a major study has found.
HooRAY!!! Fist bumps and ass slaps all around! Next line:
Those with degrees are almost twice as likely to drink daily, and they are also more likely to admit to having a drinking problem.
The report concludes: “The more educated women are, the more likely they are to drink alcohol on most days and to report having problems due to their drinking patterns.
“The better-educated appear to be the ones who engage the most in problematic patterns of alcohol consumption.”
Women’s alcohol consumption can even be predicted from their scores in school tests taken when they are as as young as five.
Women who achieved “medium” or “high” test marks as schoolgirls are up to 2.1 times more likely to drink daily as adults.
There’s a lesson here for you parental people. Encourage your daughters to stop studying – immediately!! Leave higher education to milkaholics like Lindsay Lohan. Look at Bristol Palin! That girl certainly won’t have a drinking problem later in life – you know – once she’s of legal drinking age.
I hope you’re happy, Mom and Dad. How could you let me go to grad school? In NYC?!?
Talk about enablers. First you spent ten hours in a van piled high with hand me down furniture and a caterwauling caged feline, dragging my ass to Hell’s Kitchen. Then, once you carried the first load up the narrow stairs at the ungodly hour of 1am and realized people had broken into the apartment, peed everywhere, and turned it into a crack den, you calmly set about carefully collecting the broken crack vials and rat poison before launching into the most ambitious cleaning endeavor ever undertaken. Then you left me there. With money. For alcohol food. What the hell kind of parents do that?
If you really cared, you would have insisted I watch more TV as a child. I’m going to go ahead and get my name on the waiting list for a super swanky rehab center, then wait patiently for Natalie Portman’s inevitable descent into alcoholism so we can be roomies.
Don’t make the same mistake, Interwebz! Confiscate your daughters’ books and make her watch American Idol. STAT!