Down With Peas

I tried a little something new and different by guest posting over at this place yesterday.  I didn’t use the word “vagina” once.  Go visit.  Though I may or may not have used the word “douche.”  I think it shows I’m already trying to clean up my act in anticipation of molding the mind of the vagina vermin.  Though how awesome would it be if my kid’s first word was “labia?”

Today I want to talk about something that offends me to the very core of my being.  Something that makes me stand up with righteous indignation and shout, “No.  It’s too much.  I refuse to be a party to such nonsense.”  Something that fills my mouth with a taste so bland and non-committal I have to retch.  A little something called the green pea.

Yes.  I want to talk about peas.  Specifically the green ones.  The individual garden peas.

I have no beef with the other peas.  Sugar?  Hells yes!  Snap?  Bring it.  Even black eyed peas are just fine.  Hell, I can even tolerate Fergie.  She’s at least slightly more humble than the pompous green garden pea, sitting there all round and smug.  Little fuckers.

You know what green peas taste like?  Disappointment.  Mushy, flavorless disappointment.

Which is only exacerbated by their cuteness.  I mean, what’s cuter than a tiny, spring green ball, right?  They practically beg to be made into cartoons with smiling faces and parasols and monocles and stripper platform heels.  And chainsaws.

And when you crush a pea between your molars, it bursts!  But not with excitement.  Not with a gooey Dr. Pepper flavored gel like that gum I compulsively horded in middle school.  No, they explode with chalky, mealy spooge…not unlike the result of fellating a mummy.

Plus I think it’s really presumptuous of them to think that just because of their diminutive size and coloring, I’ll want to shove them in my nose and fake sneeze them at people.  Those peas don’t KNOW me.  Maybe I’m a refined princess that would never resort to bodily humor.  Ping pong balls don’t go making any such assumptions about my other orifices, do they?  For shame, peas.  For shame!

Have you ever noticed they always travel in packs?  If you ever cross paths with a single pea, it’s usually crushed and broken on a linoleum floor or lurking beneath a glob of creamy stuff in the bottom of a pan.  The rest of the time they’re a seething mass of green anarchy waiting to barrage your senses with boredom.  Never trust a vegetable that can’t stand alone.  Also never trust a Ben Kingsley character, but that’s a topic for another day.

Do they even have any nutritional value?  I mean, aren’t all the vitamins and shit in their pods?  Peas don’t care.  Nasty ass Honey Peas don’t give a shit.  They just shuck those pods and roll around all over creation buck naked and glistening, showing off their perky little curves.

Just take your show to Vegas, you slutty, worthless peas.  I won’t be having any of it.  And take those self-righteous green peppers with you while you’re at it.


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38 thoughts on “Down With Peas

  1. Peas should stand a lttle taller and a little prouder today after your “biting” post. Even though you said
    nothing flattering about them…YOU SPELLED THEIR NAME CORRECTLY!

    1. Fuck yeah. This is my hands down all time favorite snack. Wasabi peas.
      It’s like the Russian Roulette of nosh. You might get one that’s almost mild but then you bite down on one that’s coated with thick Wasabi and WATCH OUT!!

  2. You had me worried for a second. When I saw “Down With Peas” I thought you were saying you were using slang & that you were saying you were down (as in okay) with peas. I’m so embarrassed.

  3. We have these giant fun straws and, just for fun, I use them to randomly blow peas at the kid’s head. You should try it when the vagina vermin starts walking/talking. Think of it as a bonding experience.

  4. I also would like to note that even though we share so many wonderful things in common, I can now add FELLATING A MUMMY to that list.
    Mine was Keith Richards but anyone of the walking rockstar dead will do.

  5. Once, while traveling in England, I ordered a plate of fish and chips only to discover a green pasty substance piled up on the side of the plate like a martian had just taken a dump. I was informed that they were “Mushy Peas”. “Really?” I thought. “Is that the best you can do?” I mean the Brits can come up with cool names for other things like Bangers and Mash, Toad in the Hole, and Shagging, but the best description they could come up with for this heinous, noxious, mass of glowing green putridity was “Mushy Peas”?

    For shame England. For shame.

    1. OMG! I lived in England for a semester when I was 14, and my English friends often ordered a paper cup of Mushy Peas from the street vendors. I was scarred. (Though I do love peas otherwise.)

    2. *shudder* I HATE mushy peas. Fortunately they’re usually served in their own little bowl so I just stick that under the pub table and go to town with the vinegar. Crap. Now I really want fish and chips. Always hungry…

  6. You are not alone, my dear!! I DESPISE green peas!! Which is terrible because snow peas are one of my favorite veggies!! It’s a shame green peas suck so much!!

  7. When I was young, my dad described those peas a little presents.

    True story:
    “The outer layer is the bright green Christmas wrapping paper,” He said wringing his hands in excitemt. “And you know the best part about Christmas?”
    I shifted uncomfortably. “Getting a bike?”
    “No dear boy. It’s OPENING the presents.” He loaded a spoonful. “And the best part about peas is that they are presents you get to open with your mouth!”
    W
    hich ultimately led to me doing something that, on the page, looks very similar to shifting uncomfortably. And while doing so, I practiced my vocabulary by putting that missing F to very good use – describing exactly what I thought of those peas.

    /If only I had been smarmy enough to reply that they were actually presents filled with mushy, flavorless disappointment…[that is]…not unlike the result of fellating a mummy.

    Where WERE you when I was growing up?

      1. I think it is safe to say I was very lucky that I liked bananas and did not need extra encouragement!

        Also, that would be *excitement*, *Which* and [that *are*] up there… I promise, I really did graduate from kindergarten…

  8. I really dig peas..

    anyway,. to answer your question, no ma’am I know nothing of The Artist’s Way? Is it a cult? Because I don;t do robes or shaved heads.

  9. Whoooooooooah here, you ever shelled a pea and eaten it straight from the pod? Wash your mouth out, girl – we are talking nectar from the Gods here.. hmph!!

  10. Give me a bag of fresh, uncooked, still-in-the-pod peas any day of the week. Except maybe Tuesday. One of my all time most favorite snacks. But they have to be fresh. Otherwise, you get those little white wormy sprout things growing out of them. Throw those babies out. Oooh, I want peas. Now.

  11. Peas of the world, unite!
    So wait…are you talking cooked, mushy peas or are you talking about the raw ones? I guess those would be sugar peas.
    Anyway, I think it’s great that you guest posted and didn’t use the word ‘vagina,’ mainly because it gives me hope that I might be able to refrain from cursing if I were ever to guest post somewhere else. Also gives me hope that others might WANT me considering the amount of profanity I can spew.
    But this isn’t all ME ME ME . Great post, keep ’em coming!

  12. I don’t mind peas. Sometimes I make curried peas for dinner, in fact. However, my pet fishes? They go fucking nuts for frozen peas. Goldfishes and bottom-feeder-y fishes (like loaches) love them some frozen peas. You just have to run them under warm water for a minute to thaw them, and then squeeze the mushy part out (they can’t digest the skins) and your fishes will act like they just got to go to the fish candy store. It’s quite amusing. I feed them peas a lot, because they can eat as much green stuff as they want and it won’t make them bloat-y sick (which too much protein will).

    ((They also love orange slices and spinach leaves and raw zucchini, for anyone looking to give their fishes some dietary variety. Just saying.))

    1. The things I learn being a blogger. Who knew fish liked peas? Also who knew there there was a type of fish called loaches? And that fish could bloat? You are a wonderland of knowledge, my sweet.

  13. Jesus Elly, don’t make me laugh when I’m drinking wine. “Mushy flavorless disappointment?”

    And I think broccoli tastes like death.

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