Thom: Thanks for stealing my line.
Me: What line?
Thom: The “stop raping my daughter Lifetime Movie” line.
Me: I thought that was Chris’s line.
*Our waiter drops off a pitcher of beer and a blond beehive wig which Thom immediately places on his head.*
Thom: You didn’t give him credit either.
Me: I’m sorry.
Thom: And I never said I wanted to be aluminum siding.
*A busboy stands behind Thom’s seat and leans around to apply blush and lip gloss.*
Thom: And you’re always trying to make me gay.
Me: Well, I always wanted a sister.
Thom: You just make all this stuff up, don’t you?
*a flock of cartoon blue birds descend from the rafters and drape Thom in pink chiffon*
Me: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Thom: Like tonight. I bet you’ll write something about tonight and none of it will be true.
Me: It’s possible. I seem to be all drool and no creative juices this week. Do something funny so I don’t have to make something up.
Thom: [EDITED. YOU OWE ME , INTERWEBZ]
*NPH dressed as a Vegas showgirl rides in on a white unicorn pulling a parade float covered in chinchillas and rainbows*
Me: I’m not sure that’s funny, Thom. I’m not even sure that’s legal.
Thom: Only because you aren’t drinking.
*Thom, lifted from table by winged leprechauns, joins NPH and Ani Difranco on parade float and performs “I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar” on a steel drum. After performance, Thom nods head a la “I dream of Jeanie’ and instantly reappears in seat.*
Thom: Half the stuff you write about never even happens.
Me: But at least half of it does.