Colored Pictures, Uncolored Cake

An embarrassingly long time ago, I started a little something I called my Portrait Project.  I had all these grandiose plans of blazing through a portrait a week, solving world hunger, and somehow sculpting my arms into perfect replicas of Michelle Obama’s guns.  Four months later, I’m way behind on all those plans.  Instead, I’ve managed to finish merely four additional portraits and solve only my hunger issues…primarily with baked goods.

If you want to see the pieces in more detail, I’ve added a new page here.  Actually, I’ve added the page whether you want to look at them or not.  That’ll show you.

A Mess o' Paintings
A Mess o' Paintings

I’m out of pics for portraits, so I need you kids to send me snaps.  I need disturbingly high resolution details with bright, unflattering light so I can see all your minuscule details.  (Then I’ll threaten you with blackmail.  But I’ll forward my pay pal account details so sending me zillions of dollars will be downright convenient.  The things I do for you kids, I swear.)

Do it.  You know you want to.  Be my enabler.

Speaking of baked goods, I made an attempt at Red Velvet Cake a few weeks ago.  Remember that friend of mine that abandoned me and moved to Michigan?  (Yeah, I can’t remember her name either.)  Red Velvet is her most favoritest thing in the history of the entire universe.  So of course, being the adorable and giving gal that I am, I decided to whip up a fresh baked cake just for her!

Have you ever looked at a recipe for Red Velvet Cake?  What.  The.  Fuck.  I looked everywhere for a recipe with the instructions, “Just add water,” but came up with nothing.

Cake flour?  Do people really have multiple types of flour in their kitchens?  I’m supposed to buy a whole other type of flour and store it somewhere until the next time I decide to whip up a cake from scratch?  Har dee frickin har har.  I’m not cutting into my wine and liquor storage space to make room for flour.  Everyone knows all cakes come from boxes – all cakes except Red Velvet apparently.

Fortunately for me, I’ve got mad internet searching skills.  I typed “Easy Red Velvet Cake” into my little Google box and all my problems were solved.  It turns out all cakes DO come in boxes, the art is in figuring out just how many boxes you need.

For some reason I took about seven hundred pictures while getting my baking on, so I figured I might as well share them (and the recipe) with you kids.  I’m not a Red Velvet Cake aficionado, so I can’t really speak to the level of velvety this cake achieved.  I can vouch that it was damn tasty and damn easy.

Oh right, I should mention that the color in the photos is not off nor do your eyes deceive you – the cake isn’t red.  I’ve read far too many frightening articles on food colorings and cancer rates to voluntarily add that stuff.  (I know, I suck the fun out of EVERYTHING!)  So I guess it isn’t really Red Velvet Cake but just plain old Velvet Cake.  *sigh*  This is why I’ll never write food porn.

Here’s the official recipe stolen from Allrecipes.com

Iced and Everything
Iced and Everything

Easy (but not red so I guess it’s just plain old) Velvet Cake

  • 1 (18.25 ounce) package white cake mix
  • 1 (3.5 ounce) package non-instant chocolate pudding mix
  • red food coloring, as desired
  • 1/2 cup buttermilk

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).  Prepare cake according to package directions, substituting half of the water called for with buttermilk (approximately 1/2 cup). Stir in pudding mix and food coloring.  Pour into cake pan(s) and bake according to package directions.

Of course I don’t keep two kinds of milk in the house.  That would cut into my beer and lemon storage.  Fortunately you can take one of those lemons, add a tablespoon of the juice (vinegar works also) to your normal everyday milk and in five minutes you’ve made buttermilk.  Yay for science!

Also, you can find a perfect recipe for cream cheese icing here.  Everything is better with cream cheese icing.  EVERYTHING!  (Ok, maybe not lasagna, but damn near everything else.)

All Ingredients
Assemble Ingredients

Combine Ingredients
Combine Ingredients

Lick Beaters
Lick Beaters

Pour into Pans
Pour into Pans
Get Baked
Get Baked

Scrape Off the Burnt Edges
Remove Burnt Parts

Whip Up Icing
Whip Up Icing

Turn Off, Then Lick
Turn Off, Then Lick

Dispose of Excess
Dispose of Excess Icing

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30 thoughts on “Colored Pictures, Uncolored Cake

  1. Love the portrait project! Can’t believe you used a box for the cake! You caved!!!! My grandmother would be crying foul right now, my great grandmother would just be plain crying and then advising me to drive u there through the snow and all to teach you how to fucking bake. This is a travesty, even wicked girls can bake a damn Red Velvet cake from scratch. Yes, my pantry contains wine, Kentucky Bourbon, vodka, rum, all purpose flour, self-rising flour, sugar, brown sugar, confectioners sugar, you name it, I got it. Do we need to have some sort of bloggers baking/drinking/painting retreat????
    .-= Wicked Shawn´s last blog ..I Hit My Head……… =-.

    1. Oh see, you have a pantry. That’s cheating. I bet you also have one of those sexy stand mixer thingies. Can’t I just delegate the baking and stick with the fun stuff? Trade art for tarts?

          1. Mmm milk and sugar? I bet Wicked Shawn would even whip up some scones. Not that I understand what the hell scones are but I really like to say that word out loud. Scones.

        1. I’ve never wanted to live in Kentucky before now…

          Three easels?! I met a painter who always worked in pairs, jumping between two versions of the same painting side by side. I thought it sounded fantastic but there ain’t no way in hell I could fit more than one easel in my office/guestroom/studio/storage/tool room. You can do THREE! How come we never see any of your work?!?

  2. If there’s a bloggers baking/drinking/painting retreat I’m so many kinds of down-for-that it’s insane. Did that make sense? Probably not because I’m so excited about the idea!

    You’re paintings are full of the awesome. The awesome runneth over into your cake. I make it from a box too…
    .-= KeepingYouAwake´s last blog ..Help Your Aunt Becky =-.

    1. Well…I guess I COULD paint some vags. If that’s the type of photo you want to send, I won’t stop you. A green vag could be kinda interesting. I could name it Georgia o’Queef.

  3. Thanks for not showing me the “lick the beaters” pictures before I was FORCED to eat the cake….Better keep that step in for next time though- it was a gooooooood cake!

  4. The portraits? Are amazing. I especially love the names/titles of them all…very Bonne Bell of you.

    We had a red velvet cake for our wedding…it’s my favorite. Would now be a bad time to tell you that Duncan Hines makes a red velvet cake mix?

    Also, at least five of your photo captions could also be porn titles.
    .-= Falling´s last blog ..In Which the Word "Douchebag" Is Used Five Times =-.

    1. Seriously? Why the hell couldn’t I find a mix?!? Summabitch. I guess Dirty Jerz isn’t a strong market for velvet cake mix.

      You’re really on a word counting binge these days, eh? Now I kinda want to write something then count how many times I use the word jello.

    1. She lifted the moist roll to her mouth slowly, watching the glaze ooze over its soft, warm crust….and rode it like the pony she never had….or something.

  5. You’re amazing painting skillz far outweigh your need for baking skillz. I’ll teach you to bake (from scratch) if you teach me to paint. Of course, I can’t promise to have any talent for it and neither can you so it might just be an experiment gone way too wrong. But if we photo document everything, at least we can share it on the web with bloggyland.

    What I meant to say was I’m totally down with the baking/drinking/painting retreat. Although, drinking while baking can be bad. True story.

    ♥Spot
    .-= Spot´s last blog ..Oh happy day!! You’re a medical oddity… =-.

    1. On the contrary. I can most certainly promise not to have any talent at baking. Why would I want to learn something that I can’t do while drinking? Pblttt.

    1. I’m having that exact same day. I read your post about seven times then gave up on the witty entirely. I did remember to pick up batteries while at the drugstore, so thanks for that.

  6. Love your Portrait Project! Did anybody send you any picture yet? You can just use KYW’s avatar picture. With those beard going on, it’s going to be rocking!

    And those pictures of you are so adorable!!! I just want to lick you all over.

    I am with Ry. I am just going to declare “Uncle” and admit that I am a lame commenter. So from now on I am just not going to be funny here. Ok?
    .-= subWOW´s last blog ..My brief encounter with an Olympic Silver medal… =-.

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