An embarrassingly long time ago, I started a little something I called my Portrait Project. I had all these grandiose plans of blazing through a portrait a week, solving world hunger, and somehow sculpting my arms into perfect replicas of Michelle Obama’s guns. Four months later, I’m way behind on all those plans. Instead, I’ve managed to finish merely four additional portraits and solve only my hunger issues…primarily with baked goods.
If you want to see the pieces in more detail, I’ve added a new page here. Actually, I’ve added the page whether you want to look at them or not. That’ll show you.
I’m out of pics for portraits, so I need you kids to send me snaps. I need disturbingly high resolution details with bright, unflattering light so I can see all your minuscule details. (Then I’ll threaten you with blackmail. But I’ll forward my pay pal account details so sending me zillions of dollars will be downright convenient. The things I do for you kids, I swear.)
Do it. You know you want to. Be my enabler.
Speaking of baked goods, I made an attempt at Red Velvet Cake a few weeks ago. Remember that friend of mine that abandoned me and moved to Michigan? (Yeah, I can’t remember her name either.) Red Velvet is her most favoritest thing in the history of the entire universe. So of course, being the adorable and giving gal that I am, I decided to whip up a fresh baked cake just for her!
Have you ever looked at a recipe for Red Velvet Cake? What. The. Fuck. I looked everywhere for a recipe with the instructions, “Just add water,” but came up with nothing.
Cake flour? Do people really have multiple types of flour in their kitchens? I’m supposed to buy a whole other type of flour and store it somewhere until the next time I decide to whip up a cake from scratch? Har dee frickin har har. I’m not cutting into my wine and liquor storage space to make room for flour. Everyone knows all cakes come from boxes – all cakes except Red Velvet apparently.
Fortunately for me, I’ve got mad internet searching skills. I typed “Easy Red Velvet Cake” into my little Google box and all my problems were solved. It turns out all cakes DO come in boxes, the art is in figuring out just how many boxes you need.
For some reason I took about seven hundred pictures while getting my baking on, so I figured I might as well share them (and the recipe) with you kids. I’m not a Red Velvet Cake aficionado, so I can’t really speak to the level of velvety this cake achieved. I can vouch that it was damn tasty and damn easy.
Oh right, I should mention that the color in the photos is not off nor do your eyes deceive you – the cake isn’t red. I’ve read far too many frightening articles on food colorings and cancer rates to voluntarily add that stuff. (I know, I suck the fun out of EVERYTHING!) So I guess it isn’t really Red Velvet Cake but just plain old Velvet Cake. *sigh* This is why I’ll never write food porn.
Here’s the official recipe stolen from Allrecipes.com
Easy (but not red so I guess it’s just plain old) Velvet Cake
- 1 (18.25 ounce) package white cake mix
- 1 (3.5 ounce) package non-instant chocolate pudding mix
- red food coloring, as desired
- 1/2 cup buttermilk
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Prepare cake according to package directions, substituting half of the water called for with buttermilk (approximately 1/2 cup). Stir in pudding mix and food coloring. Pour into cake pan(s) and bake according to package directions.
Of course I don’t keep two kinds of milk in the house. That would cut into my beer and lemon storage. Fortunately you can take one of those lemons, add a tablespoon of the juice (vinegar works also) to your normal everyday milk and in five minutes you’ve made buttermilk. Yay for science!
Also, you can find a perfect recipe for cream cheese icing here. Everything is better with cream cheese icing. EVERYTHING! (Ok, maybe not lasagna, but damn near everything else.)