And that’s just about all the sadness I can take today. Let’s move on to happy, joyful things, shall we? Like…oh I dunno…how about barnacle schlongs?
While the Tuberous Bushcricket may have the biggest balls relative to body weight in the animal kingdom, the barnacle comes out the winner in the largest penis competition. “According to new research published in Marine Biology, the shape of barnacles’ penises varies depending on their circumstances. Barnacles spaced far apart from each other develop stretchier organs, the better for reaching across the gaps, and barnacles exposed to rough waves grow wider ones to stand up against the tide.” Some barnacles also develop stretchy, foldy penises, “like an accordion or a bendy straw.”
(FYI, there is actual video footage here. Thanks for that, Jess.) Do they cover this sort of educational material on Sesame Street? NO! Good thing you have me, Interwebz.
Speaking of stretchy, foldy penises, maybe that’s what the creator of today’s Craftastrophe was thinking of when they made this thing. How else would you reach it if it was mounted above your fireplace, right?
Seeing as how today is the single biggest day of the year for online shopping, can I suggest something to add to your gift list? (As if you could stop me, suckers.) As you’ve probably already guessed, it involves girlie bits and is somewhat inappropriate for work. As if that wasn’t enough to sell you, it’s for a good cause.
Yes folks, the Blogger Body Calendar is here. Did you hear me? Naked. Bloggers. On full-color, glossy paper.
I can’t wait to mark my birthday beneath a picture of Mary Mac and her muff(ette). I’m going to schedule all sorts of random appointments so I can gaze repeatedly at Sandy and her stallion. And Jenny? Well she’s the gift that keeps on giving. Ba dum bum. (Sorry, Jenny. That’s what you get for being December.)
That’s just three of the kayaks featured in the calendar. I know math isn’t my strong suit, but I’m pretty sure that means there are nine other foxy ladies with their own spreads.
Oh wait. I lied. There’s a dude, too. Jason is famous around the blogosphere for making barnacles and crickets feel insecure. Word to you, Jason.
So just to recap, you could spend $18 for eleven pages of lady bits and a side of man meat while doing some good…or you could spend $46 for a wall-mounted vagina and forget everyone’s birthday. The choice is yours. Don’t make me slap you.