Batteries Not Included

Have you ever noticed that cold meds make everything seem like a good idea?  Me either.  Mom, don’t read any further.

My bedroom is too small for bedside tables.  We managed to squeeze in a queen size bed and a dresser.  The end.  So I don’t have a little “magic drawer” to house my *ahem* toys.

*Waves to Mom*  I TOLD you…

I have to keep the things in my sock drawer.  And lately, I’m running out of places to put my socks.

Between the gals at ToyWithMe and EdenFantasys, I’m suddenly…there’s just no good anatomy part to list here… ____ deep in vibrators.

Seriously Mom, this is getting kind of awkward.  Maybe you should go play a game of solitaire instead of read any further.

Rocco is a mixture of appalled, fascinated, and intimidated.  When he held up the particularly complicated WeVibe I scored at BlogHer, he observed, “They should really color code the boxes for these things so people know what skill level is needed for correct operation.”

Remember when vibrators ran on C batteries?  Obviously I don’t because I just heard about vibrators about a week ago…I can still see you, Mom.  But I think someone told me that once.  Most of the new batch aggressively evicting my sock collection run on your normal AA’s.  (Except the black belt WeVibe model.  That thing seems to run on lithium and the tears of saints.)

But a handful of my pastel-colored machines run on these tiny, round, flat, disc-like batteries.  I’ve seen those tiny batteries before.  My Granpa uses them in his hearing aids.  Which, PS, makes me wonder exactly what hearing aids do for your ears.

But it’s kinda weird to cruise over to my local drug store and buy a jumbo pack of hearing aid batteries.  Even if my vagina is deaf.

And now I’m going to think of my Grandpa’s waxy ear canals every time I see those vibrators.  I think I might have room for some socks, after all.

No, do NOT show this to Dad and yell at him for what HIS offspring is putting on the internet.  Just thank your lucky stars that Thom doesn’t blog.


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64 thoughts on “Batteries Not Included

  1. Hahahaha! Lithium and the tears of saints almost made me expel a fart of hilarity. I also remem…um…have heard about how vibes used to run on those colossal C batteries that now you just use in flashlights and like…Casio keyboards. My uh…FRIEND…has one that runs on triple A batteries. Those little babies don’t look strong enough to power a damn thing, but if a cell battery can do it, well. I guess next they’ll be running on lighter fluid and the chuckles of babies.

  2. See, your REAL problem (aside from your mother, who’s not twitching on the floor and foaming at the mouth)is you live somewhere that requires you to own more than two pairs of socks!

    Oh this takes me back to when I bought my first vibe and stood at the counter repeatedly saying to a the petrified friend who was with me “won’t this be a perfect gag gift for (imaginary friend’s name here)’s bridal shower?”

    Yeah, we weren’t fooling anyone.

  3. Fortunately, we have a very large bedroom with a very large attached closet. It is very good for hiding…implement(s)…in because my mother-in-law likes to show up and start rummaging through our drawers, telling my wife that we’re not organized enough, and that if she just folded her underwear we could achieve a much higher garment:drawer volume ratio.

    This means that my wife is running around trying furiously to hide the…implement(s)…in appropriate places where my mother-in-law won’t look.

    This invariably means that it will be the next area where my mother-in-law will start poking around.

    “What’s this?” she’ll say, feeling around in some hidden nook in the bedroom.

    “Nothing!” my wife responds, spiriting it away into another dark and hidden corner. “Don’t you have socks to fold?”

    “My, yes, but…just look at what’s going on over in this corner!” *trundles off to where my wife just ran with the…implement(s)…*

    And repeat.

      1. So, when should I tell you about the horror-struck face I made when I woke up from a nap one afternoon and found one of the…implements…sitting on my desk and then realizing that the only other person home at the time was my six-year-old daughter?

  4. Hee hee! My MIL found mine (i forgot to remove it from the bedside table when she came to stay). Awkward. I bet the lithium lasts longer than the AAA. and C batteries—good grief, might as well go get the “ShakeWeight” and be done with it! 🙂

      1. Yeah, I’m that much of a nerd. A woman writes a post about vibrators and all I can think about is “Gee, I wonder how they work?”.

        And I wonder why I couldn’t get a date while I was getting my Engineering degree.

  5. It’s okay, we can work with this. Vibrators usually look nice, so maybe they can be used to decorate? Consider these options:

    1) Stand them on end (the ones that will stand) and put doll clothes on them. This could be weird when you go to use them, though.

    2) Tuck the battery end into a wall-mount candle holder.

    3) Hide them in plain sight, mounted to crest-like boards as if they were taxidermy. Feel free to make them little wigs and tails for effect.

          1. The Art Guys are in Houston! They’re local! There’s another version they’ve done that’s basically a fuck-a-duck-icorn but I can’t find a pic of it. It’s made out of one of those bounce things kids play on at the park with the spring under it, shaped like a duck with a dildo sticking out of its forhead!

  6. My vibrator is from…I don’t know…1987 or something. I got it as a gag gift on my 21ist birthday and then realized it was actually more useful than just as a joke.

    But still, I need an upgrade. To one of those space age things.

  7. this has me thinking, if i get a hearing aid (ya know for my deaf vagina), does that mean my health insurance company is paying for my vibrator and its batteries? Yahtzee!

      1. This is why patty and I are going to go on the “Fuck Propriety” World Tour. As I was reading this, I couldn’t help but think, somewhere around here I have an assload(no pun intended, seriously) of watch batteries, SCORE!! Then, I was like, OMJ, I need to book a gyno appointment, my vagina hasn’t listened to me in years, clearly she is deaf and needs more aids, hearing aids, of course. Health insurance claim, here I come!!!!

  8. See, how come I came here was to make myself feel better after interviewing my mom about the most painful time in her life, and instead I actually feel guiltier because she probably would rather talk to me about vibrators.

    That would be worse for me, though, because I fucking found hers when I was 11. No joke.

  9. it may be high time for me to invest in said battery operated devices. for my entire life i have been repressed in the way of self-pleasuring but perhaps it would do wonders from my OUT OF CONTROL anger and stress management problems as of late. i really cant afford to smash anymore expensive electronic devices in frustration.

  10. The WeVibe uses the same batteries as a hearing aid because it doubles as a set of stuffed animal ear muffs.

    Also, it looks like a smooth purple shrimp.
    You knew I was going to try to insert a crustacean reference here anyway I could right?

        1. gasp
          This just gets better like a tuna taco grilled and then wrapped in a warm loving bed of lettuce before being breaded and tossed into a scalding vat of hot grease.
          Like a KFC tuna crunchy supreme taco with greens that aren’t really green anymore.
          Also, I like to hunt people down when I think they are funny and then they leave suddenly making the gaping void in my life even more pronounced.
          I hunt Elly down ALL THE TIME. She can’t even spend time in the bathroom without me knowing.

  11. Or display them on a table with museum lighting and call it a piece of art installation!

    p.s. I worry about the WeVibe running out of battery ’cause I still have no idea how to insert it. The battery I mean… huh.

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