Mom: So how did the sonogram go?
Me: Ok. He’s only “slightly above average.” Once she was actually able to process what I asked, the doctor confirmed he is NOT Jabba The Baby.
Mom: Well both you and Thom were almost 10 lbs.
Me: I feel like maybe you’ve mentioned this once or twice before.
Mom: I just looked it up and Thom was 23 inches when he was born.
Me: He’s still claiming to be 23 inches. Seriously though, I’m not as worried about length as I am the shoulders.
Mom: You’re not worried about two feet of baby?
Me: After the head bursts forth from my bits, can’t they just…yank him the rest of the way out?
Mom: *sigh* Are you really scared?
Me: I miss my vagina already. I couldn’t face the poultry area of the grocery store today. Every time I see a fryer I look at the weight and nearly pass out. That’s a lot of work for an ugly baby.
Me: What part?
Mom: He won’t be ugly.
Me: Mom, I have photographic proof.
Mom: Oh right, the sonogram. It can’t be that bad.
Me: I’m emailing you.
Mom: There it is! Let me just resize….Jesus. That’s um…
Me: *singing* Damn, that’s an ugly ass baby!!
Mom: This poor kid is screwed.
Me: Kate says it’s just the poor lighting in my uterus. I figure if he looks like Benjamin Button now, he’ll grow up to look like Brad Pitt.