As Stephen Lynch Would Say

Mom:  So how did the sonogram go?

Me:  Ok.  He’s only “slightly above average.”  Once she was actually able to process what I asked, the doctor confirmed he is NOT Jabba The Baby.

Mom:  Well both you and Thom were almost 10 lbs.

Me:  I feel like maybe you’ve mentioned this once or twice before.

Mom:  I just looked it up and Thom was 23 inches when he was born.

Me:  He’s still claiming to be 23 inches.  Seriously though, I’m not as worried about length as I am the shoulders.

Mom:  You’re not worried about two feet of baby?

Me:  After the head bursts forth from my bits, can’t they just…yank him the rest of the way out?

Mom:  *sigh*  Are you really scared?

Me:  I miss my vagina already.  I couldn’t face the poultry area of the grocery store today.  Every time I see a fryer I look at the weight and nearly pass out.  That’s a lot of work for an ugly baby.

Mom:  ELLY!

Me:  What part?

Mom:  He won’t be ugly.

Me:  Mom, I have photographic proof.

Mom:  Oh right, the sonogram.  It can’t be that bad.

Me:  I’m emailing you.

Mom:  There it is!  Let me just resize….Jesus.  That’s um…

Me:  *singing*  Damn, that’s an ugly ass baby!!

Mom:  This poor kid is screwed.

Me:  Kate says it’s just the poor lighting in my uterus.  I figure if he looks like Benjamin Button now, he’ll grow up to look like Brad Pitt.


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31 thoughts on “As Stephen Lynch Would Say

  1. HAHA I know this feeling. When I brought my daughter home she was barely 6 pounds. I thought she was a living breathing doll at the time. Some months later I saw some pictures of this homely baby at my mother’s house. I said, “Awwww poor creature! Who brought the ugly baby?” My mom smiled and said, “You did.”

    Fortunately she had filled out by that time and lost that malnourished crypt keeper look otherwise I might have been tempted to sell her out to Hollywood for scary movies.

  2. Nah, they all look like this. Immersed in fluid, face smashed against the walls of the temporary uterus apartment worsened by having to sleep on your own knees constantly. My daughter looked like an emaciated crow with Bert & Ernie hair until the end of her first year. Pretty babies peak too early, they end up ugly and stupid by 3.

  3. Looks just like my kid did, a shit-ton of cheek and a bit of a scowl. No shit, it was 6 weeks before my child was able to be photographed without looking like a mean old man. But guess what, you love them anyways – that’s the weird part.

    Oh and your vagina, eventually that goes back to normal-ish too. Eventually.

  4. HAHAHAHA wow technology’s come on in leaps and bounds lately no? That’s almost creepy scary. Not your adorable offspring, just the whole….pod thing. Uterine pod. Umbilical food tube in mouth. That’s all in your belleh, dude.

    Plus I don’t buy it. It’s Photoshopped. I don’t see a uke ANYWHERE. He can’t be yours.

  5. When my daughter was born, at just shy of 10 lbs (groan), I looked at her and thought, “WTF? THAT is NOT what I was expecting.” And then I spent that whole day and part of the next feeling sorry for her and for myself.

    But the day after that . . . she had already secured herself firmly in my heart.

    Or, at the very least, I thought no one else would love her so I might as well. Either way, we’re both ok for it.

  6. My sister was right… you are funny! At the time of his birth my first born looked like the praying mantis from the movie A Bug’s Life. He is soooo handsome now!
    If your child doesn’t “blossom” you can always tell him what my older siblings told me… “We found you under a rock.” The sad part is that for the better part of my childhood I think I believed them. 🙂

  7. They all come out looking like Mr Magoo. But whilst you are out of your mind in pain or on the sweet sweet drugs, I’m pretty sure they stick a chip in your head, or labotomise you, so you love them all the same.

      1. That is some…snuggly baby.
        And you can show Paul what he’ll look like in college, when he’s face down after a kegger.
        And notice how I cleverly avoided commenting on Paul’s exit strategy.

  8. hmph. well i came here because of the uke song and joules. now i can say…WTF?!? i apparently have not been school in stephen lynch. i BIG HEART that shit right there.

    thanks for making me pee a little.

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