Arm Buds Are Tentacles, Am I Right?

I’m not sure reading about the progress of my parasite is a good idea – especially considering the trouble I’m having with the whole sleep thing.  The words, “Your baby’s heart finishes dividing into four chambers, and the valves start to form — as do her tiny teeth,” are not the words you want hammering inside your brain as you lay alone in the dark.  Well not entirely alone, right?  I mean, there’s still that whole alien life form incubating just north of my colon, plotting world domination with its ESP and its sharp, stabby fangs, right?

Hello!  Did anybody else read Breaking Dawn?!?  *lowers head between knees and waits for dizzy episode to pass, rethinks proximity of brain to vaginal opening and bolts back upright*

I went for my first vagina analyzer appointment last week.  I guess I’ve been spoiled by the super funny and adorable Aloysius, because the poor bastard that probed me last week has no idea what to make of me.  And I don’t think it’s just because of my horrible handwriting.

As he flipped through the paperwork I’d filled out in the waiting room, he kept asking me for clarifications.  “Here, under ‘How often to you drink?’ does that say ‘Not currently?'”

“It sure does, Doctor Dude.”

“And what’s this other word beside it?”

I didn’t have to look.  “Bummer,”  I answered.

“Oh,” was his response.

Clearly I’m going to need to bring my own light-up applause sign for the next appointment.

I kept trying to make small talk while he arranged all his instruments, but he didn’t seem to have any opinions on weather or movies.  Then he proceeded to whip out some R2D2 looking creature which he promptly smothered with a condom then shoved into my kayak.  THAT’s when he decided it was time to chit chat.  But instead of waving his hands around while he talked, he waved R2D2…while it was still inside my hooch.

“I just want to make sure the baby is in your uterus,” he explained.

Where the fuck else would it be? “Is it gonna end up in my spleen?  Is this thing crawling already?  Am I supposed to be paying attention to where it’s going?  I thought all I had to do was adhere to the Adam Ant school of ethics, take vitamins, and avoid any wire hangers!  The hell, Doctor Dude?”

He looked at me with confusion, then back to the screen.  “Well, you aren’t having any symptoms to indicate an ectopic pregnancy so I don’t expect to find anything strange.  Look, there it is.  That’s the head and those are the arm buds.  Cute, eh?”

“Cute?  Arm buds are cute?  You need to get out more.  What exactly is the difference between arm buds and tentacles, just out of curiosity?”

This time he didn’t take his eyes of the screen.  “Um, right.  Those are the leg bu…um…those will be the legs.”

“How many heads does it have?”

“Pardon?”

I repeated my question.  He still didn’t get it.

“Do you mean, are there twins?”

“No, but that’s a good question, too.  I’ll just try and hush and let you do your thing.”  I  made a zipper pulling motion across my mouth.

He took his right hand off the keyboard to rub his temple.  R2D2 moved to get a shot of my tonsils.  “I only see one.  And it only has one head.”

“So far…”

“So far….” he repeated.  “No.  What?  I don’t really expect that to change.”

So to summarize, my parasite may have tentacles, but at least it’s only growing fangs in one head.  Holy shit balls.


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52 thoughts on “Arm Buds Are Tentacles, Am I Right?

  1. You know, there’s nothing worse than when you are being what you know to be your most super adorable self, and the other person is not responding. I hate that. Bummer….Dr. Dude…Adam Ant…That’s funny stuff, Elly-what’s wrong with that guy? You can’t sleep? If I could have slept 20 hours a day during those first months, I would have. I’m sorry you can’t sleep-that’s really a bummer.

  2. Don’t forget to use your phone to record the heartbeat. I loved listening to that little thu-thump over and over again. Oh, and don’t worry, this doc will get used to your humor soon. Refer him to your blog so he can get up to speed.

      1. do u have video or notes microphone on your phone? I actually used a digital recorder because my preg. was pre-cool phone phase in my life.

  3. you do know you’re going to be the topic of conversation at the next ob/gyn conference this guy goes to, right? You might even rate a whole chapter in his book by the time you push that alien out of your pouch.

  4. I think they train you not to have a sense of humor in vagina doctor school. So they don’t offend anyone by telling lame beaver jokes or laughing at the resemblance of your bush to Art Garfunkel’s hair. It’s just safer that way.

    1. It’s easy to lose your comical self when you have to stare at hootch all day.
      Unless you are one of those doctors with the wild imagination and a drawer full of peyote. In which case you probably think each vagina speaks to you in a wild rapid fire accent. Like Salma Hayak but hairier.

  5. Arm buds lead to tentacles and tentacles lead to baby Kraken! And I don’t mean like “Crackin’ toast, Gromit!”

    But don’t sweat it. I imagine there are lots of advantages to being the mother of a sea monster!

  6. I notice you said “HER tiny teeth” — is that wishful thinking on your part or is the baby’s sex determinable already? Surely not? It only has arm/leg buds, for gawd’s sake. How can it have a vagina already? But then, what do I know? Nuttin.

  7. i truly blame very adversion to pregnancy on Breaking Dawn. *vomitsinmouth* that is some scary shiznit. can’t wait to see it on the big screen! *sarcasm*

    1. Well. I definitely have to see it because I have that little Twilight problem that we don’t talk about in public. But I’m definitely going to keep my eyes squished shut for that whole segment. And hope that I’ve finished my tub of popcorn so I have something to hurl in.

  8. you know what else is possible? It can lodge its foot, once past the budding stage, outward for the rest of the world to see. I’m thinking of marketing this as a new style for bathing suit season.

  9. When I was pregnant with Hayden, at some point early in the 2nd trimester, we had an ultrasound. The pictures we took home were of a scary alien baby with obvious deformities. We knew it was early and that’s why he looked like a freak-show, but it was still like we had to convince ourselves it would be ok. That the baby wouldn’t really be born without a proper face. And we were right, because with the next ultrasound? We could tell it was a boy. Not because we could see his peenie. Because of the little face and lips. He looked just like my husband. Neither one of us would say it, because we didn’t want to find out, but deep down we kew he was a little boy. A cute one.

  10. Take Rocco in next time so you can do a double act, that’s sure to get him going. Actually, on second thoughts David and I try that and my cardio stares at us like I just tried to chugg her stapler, whilst David sang the theme to the Golden Girls.

    Really, if he’s going to be sticking various things up your shmoo for the next few months the least he could do is laugh at your cracking wit.

  11. I am pretty much convinced vaganalyzers are all boring. I know a few outside their examining room. He is definitely telling someone about you right this minute, but he will leave out the names.

  12. Arm buds! The lingo still gets to me. With painful clarity, I recall my wife’s very first use of the phrase “mucous plug.” Whoa.

  13. I had a handful of hangers the other day, which I obviously used as a prop to make an abortion joke. My husband totally didn’t appreciate it. WTF? I’m glad I see others appreciated this sort of elevated discussion.

    In other news, maybe it just hasn’t developed another head, yet. Or maybe it’s too hard to see, because it’s one of those smaller, shriveled heads that’s just teeth and one staring eye.

  14. Ask the doctor for your Ultra sound video next time and we will autotune it! 🙂

    Kind of bummed that you are not having twins…

    *ducking shoes flying in my direction*

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