I watched football yesterday. I was told I was rooting for the Packers, but then I saw that the other team was from Chicago. My mom is from Chicago. So of course I had to root for the Cubs. Apparently they lost. I, however, finished a very sexy Lord of the Ring puzzle featuring Gollum. So the day was a win. Except then there was a whole other football game.
Also? Someone gave me these:
Yes, I’ve seen them before…but never in my tight little fist without a sales person eying me suspiciously. I’m so excited I could piddle. I can’t wait to use them. Well, technically I already tried to use them. Turns out they aren’t a very efficient means to eating creamed corn.
Oh you know what other exciting new arrivals came into my apartment this weekend? Of course you don’t. That was sort of a stupid question. I think it’s the football hangover. I’m still pretty upset about the Cubs’ loss. And recently learning that I’m hosting a Super Bowl party. And I don’t even know when the Super Bowl is happening. And am I supposed to make a meal or just buy a LOT of corn chips? Do I need to run out and get a tree, or a basket, or a row of candles, or build a shrine in the corner by the TV or what? Sweet Mother of Massengil this is what happens when I get engrossed in a puzzle while Rocco drinks beer with a man who has to change jerseys between games so “WE can WIN this thing!”
Football. *shakes head, stops, waits for vertigo to pass* I don’t get it.
Back at the exciting and somewhat ridiculous purchases that Elly recently made, you guys remember what Friday is, don’t you?
So obviously I had to order some supplies, right? Like this vintage, 24k gold-plated “Humdinger” for only $9.95. It’s older than I am!
So decadent, am I right? Or is it too much for your understated taste? Would you prefer something a little earthier? Something that says, “Hey man, I dig your golden kazoo but I’m classier than that. I’m a (wo)man of the people. I have a tribal tattoo and I’m not afraid to flaunt it at Bonnaroo?”
You know I bought one of those hippie kazoos, too. I did it just for you, Interwebz. Not because I have some weird insatiable need to fill my living space with small, comedic musical instruments. Nope. I’m selfless. Just like Naomi Campbell. Who, at first pass I would’ve guessed would prefer the gold-plated kazoo because…it’s…well it’s gold, right? But having now held them both in my hands, I think she’d prefer this more understated number. Because it’s heavier. And would probably do more damage when hurled at an employee’s face.
This little gem is called the “Heartwood Hummer.” Rocco keeps chanting its name and giggling. Which sounds even funnier when he’s trying to play the damn thing. But in reality, it has just about the sweetest tone ever. Which makes me wonder why the hell people don’t play wooden kazoos at sporting events instead of those horrifying vulva-zuela-thingamajobbers.
Crap. Do people play those things at the Super Bowl? Aren’t they football related?
Send help. And maybe corn chips.