A Study of Bikinis, Carbs, and My Colon

Continuing with this week’s theme of “Bad Decisions from Elly,” let me tell you about the food choices I’ve made in the past 36 hours:

  • Tuesday dinner – buffalo wings and a pitcher of beer (As in, I’m pretty sure I drank an entire pitcher of beer myself)
  • Wednesday breakfast – brownie and seventeen cups of green tea
  • Wednesday lunch – a giant soup bowl full of brussels sprouts (Can you say, overcompensating?)
  • Wednesday dinner – more beer and an Ethiopian communal-piles-of-spicy-brown-stuff special
  • Thursday breakfast – brownie

I’m strongly considering eating some Indian for lunch just to see if I rocket myself across the Hudson River to avoid paying bus fare.

In other news, my stomach hurts.  Go figure.  Also, I didn’t really sleep much last night.  But one of my friends did.  In fact she had a dream about me.  It’s so awesome I’m going to share it *waves at Brittany*:

You were selling bikinis you made out of bread you sprayed out of an aerosol can (like EZ Cheese) and painted with garlic butter.  I bought one then the two of us clad in our garlic bread bikinis went to the pool for water polo practice, but they wouldn’t let us in the pool because of the garlic butter. They didn’t seem to care about the bread.

So of course I googled “garlic bread bikini” so I could make her a “thanks for dreaming of me in a non-sexual way because otherwise it would have been awkward” greeting card, and this happened:

Garlic Bread Bikini. Obviously.

For the record, if I was ever to wear a bikini in public, I’m pretty sure I would be wearing one of these pizza suits on top of it.  Then I googled plain old “bread bikini” and found this thing:

Needed: Garlic Butter Paint

Mmm.  Dead sexy.  No seriously, those things are like bones.  Yes that’s probably the point but can’t I still be a little freaked out?  Also?  Add a tutu on that girl, douse her in blood, and you’ve got a pretty decent representation of my Black Swan nightmares.

So obviously you’re now holding your breath and hoping I’ll look for a “pizza bikini.”  Don’t deny it Interwebz, I know all about your sick pony-humping-freakazoid ways.  And I still love you.  That’s why I went out in search of this.  Man I’m good to you people.

Rocco's 2011 Halloween Costume

See what happens when I sit down at a keyboard with nothing specific to say?  Let’s make this post end as soon as possible, shall we?  I’ll just leave you with more more visual that is (fortunately) completely unrelated.

From My Friend That WENT to This School


Was that good for you, too? Then click here and follow my Facebook page. Or even better, join the mailing list. Free pony with every subscription. Probably.

58 thoughts on “A Study of Bikinis, Carbs, and My Colon

  1. Well wear the hell are you supposed to masturbate…in the fucking hallway?

    And my husband sent me a video of a guy doing a tutorial on how to masturbate with a slice of pizza which I thought would tie up this entire post in a neat little package but Ebaums World took it down. Great art is always misinterpreted.

  2. Wow wow wee waa, as esteemed newsman Borat would say.

    I feel that pizza box wearing dude got his inspiration from “Dick in a Box”. So, then I had to go watch that again.

  3. your tenacity has won. you’ve finally done it. you’ve finally convinced me to stear clear of black swan.

    also, is it wrong that i might really want to paint you in garlic butter.

    1. Yes, I felt it necessary to scroll back up and look……at his nipples…not his abs….or the cut of his waist….nope, totally skipped over those. What? Stop giving me the *skeptical vagina face*.

  4. I don’t know what’s more disturbing, the fact that they are telling them not to masturbate in the shower, or that the notice came (heh) from the Housing and FOOD services…

    Oh… and pizza guy up there? Sausage or Pepperoni? (did I just ask that question?) *head hits desk*

  5. Suga’ you better be careful before you go from suck to blow! And speaking of blow… (wink) I like da pizza delivery guy’s uniform! But if that is Rocco’s 2011 Hall-o-hell costume, please tell me that you’ll put your Elly sparkle to decorating the pizza box. OOH! or maybe put a harness on the interior ‘occupant’ then dress it up in a little chef’s hat and coat and spring load a surprise at all who look. You could call it ‘Jack In The Box Pizza’ and… um, did I start running away with that idea?

  6. That pizza guy pic reminds me of daughter #2’s Halloween costume @ college -“eggs over easy” which consisted of an empty egg carton as a hat- and lingerie as the “rest” of the “costume”. Luckily her father has yet to see the pics….

    1. oh yeah- the year before she wore a nude colored tsnk top & lo cut jeans- with a sign around her neck and across her chest that said “censored”- in the pics she looked like she was topless….

      no wonder I’m getting gray hairs *sigh*

      1. Dude. Those are two of the best costumes EVER. I kinda wanna party with your daughter. Or at least pick her brain for more ideas. Also, I sorta wanna buy your husband a bottle of whiskey because WOW.

  7. Your bread bikini is scary, it looks like a body without skin and without blood, which I guess is better than with blood, but still scary.

    *waves back*

  8. Dear Residents of Walker Center 4th Floor,

    There will be a circle jerk in the commons area at 7pm Monday evening. BYOT(bring your own tissues, for the freshmen) Latecomers will be mocked!

  9. I now have a new thing to do when I live out my “Penis for a Day” adventure (shhh, it’s all top secret military science). I will masturbate showers to see if I can’t back up an entire building’s drainage system.

    Also, no pizza, thanks.

  10. This just shows you that Google can be hours and hours of fun. Who needs porn or swimsuit catalogs? And thanks for the heads up about the U of Oklahoma. It is now being removed from consideration as my kid’s safety school.

  11. I’ve been to Oklahoma, and I vacated as quickly as was humanly possible. But this puts a whole new light on the state. The new motto should be “Oklahoma: Forget the wind down the plain. Try semen down the drain.”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.